me: [straddles chair to look real cool]
executioner: no
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*text message*
Cat: Slave, I’m missing a box. I had 2 & now I have 1. I blame the dogs. Find it.
Me: but I’m at work.
Cat: find it.
911: Ma’am the emails are coming from your garden! Get out of the yard now!! A botanist is on the way!
Spinach: *laughs maniacally*
Having a cat is like having a teddy bear that is always investigating a murder.
My wife put toilet paper on automatic purchase and delivery from Amazon so we never run out.
Challenge accepted!
I just found that there’s such a thing as a cheese shop and now I’m changing my vacation plans.
1. Get preg
2. Transfer ur soul to fetus using
Satanic alchemy
3. Give birth to yourself
4. Old body dies
5. Be a baby
Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves at the same time he does.
me: i’m really glad we met, i feel like I can completely be myself around u. u had me at hello
kidnapper: pls stop talking
Starting my diet and training tomorrow; hope I can count on your support and prayers that I die in my sleep. Please RT.
❤️❤️❤️
[me giving tour of city landmarks]
and on your left you’ll see a corgi in a bandana—he’s not part of the tour but let’s go get a closer look
*licks the powdered sugar off the donuts and puts them back*
Boss: I kinda like these new low-cal donuts. Real moist.
To the people who tell expectant parents to “stock up on sleep while you can,” please know that’s not how sleep works.
Me: and this is my house
Friend: what’s upstairs
Me: stairs don’t talk
I can’t sleep; so I went out & got 2 donuts, glued them to my eyes, climbed up a tree & pretended I’m an owl.
me w/kids:
Don’t tell anybody where you learned that.
Size doesn’t matter? Have you SEEN my coffee mugs?
BOSS: quit listening to Vanilla Ice, participate in the meeting, and pay attention
ME: so… stop, collaborate, and listen?
BOSS: you’re fired
[opening the fridge to find no yummy snacks inside]
[me to the fridge] you had one job
Two blondes walk into a building… you’d think at least one of them would have seen it.
No one has stolen my lunch at work since I started labeling it “Stool Sample.”
Me: Almost time to sign about us All Hanging Signs.
Her: Um, you mean Auld Lang Syne?
Me: Well, this is embarrassing. I mean, you should learn the words if you’re going to sing it babe.
Don’t worry about my probation officer, he just likes to watch.
NEWLYWED FRIEND: i just love him so much, i always want to be around him!
ME: you haven’t heard him eat cereal yet, have you
if i had a girlfriend i would brush the pop tart crumbs off of my bed so she could lay with me
Person: I’m a spelling bee champion.
Me: Bee isn’t that hard to spell.
Sang to the radio on the way home today.
Got every word wrong.
I’ll write ‘not unlike’ as if I’m being payed by the word.
[police interrogation room]
Officer: you’ve been identified as the runner who..
Me: Let me stop you right there.
Any weekend is a Vampire Weekend if you can’t look at yourself in the mirror afterwards.