[robbers outside bank]
When I said get some masks I meant something creepy like wolf masks
“But can’t u feel your pores really opening up?”
You Might Also Like
“It’s MY WIIIIFE, it’s now or never” – Borat Jovi
I’m not even remotely sorry
[in heaven after crucifixion]
jesus: “they were horrible dad, im pleased im not going back there”
god: [rubbing his neck] “see the thing is”
“Alexa, make a clapping noise so the lights turn on”
Glad I spent all this money on Bath & Body Works body wash just to make my wash cloths smell nice
I gotta work tomorrow? like, my job??? I have had 17 straight days off you expect me to remember what it is I do for a living
AT&T literally grounded someone of you with loss of telephone privileges.
Everyone needs a plan B?
I’m already on plan M
Don’t ask me to dance. I look like a four-year old with his first sparkler.
[High school reunion]
Person: “I don’t remember you.”
Me: *starts crying*
Person: “Now I remember you.”
just poured dr pepper on my face like i didn’t know where my mouth was.
Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does
Me: Well that makes two of us
Gmail search is amazing. You can search something like “flight sacramento receipt 2023” and it will somehow manage to serve up literally every email in your inbox that isn’t the receipt for the flight you just took to Sacramento.
The most unbelievable part of the Bible is a 32-year-old man with twelve close friends.
Can’t. The ex-girlfriend is making me take her to the movies.
Wife: I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME THAT!
My goldfish died. The good news is I’m inheriting a tiny treasure chest.
[broken down by the side of the road]
ME: I think it’s the carburetor.
WIFE: You sure?
ME: Absolutely.
WIFE: Do you even know what that is?
ME: Of course.
WIFE: What does a carburetor do?
ME: It carburetes.
Robocop seems pretty cocky for a guy that can’t swim.
Me, responding to a text at 2 am: Oh they should be asleep so I’ll be free from talking until the morning
Them: *texts back in 30 seconds*
Me: I hate you
The invention of the shovel was groundbreaking
When you think about it, the little old man behind the curtain in Oz was the original catfish.
I just heard an add on the radio stressing the importance of healthy muscles and it inspired me to bend my elbows more while eating cake.
[their last appetizer]
Her: I don’t want it. You have it.
Him: I don’t want it either, you…
Me: *reaches onto their table and takes it
My hot friend: I’ve been alternating CrossFit, yoga and running.
Me: I hear you. I have a mild cough so my abs have been sore for two days.
I don’t like swiss cheese because a block is like half air and I prefer cheese to oxygen
Sometimes I wonder how air conditioners actually make air colder, bet i could learn online but then i think no mike, best not rock the boat.
Heart: Go get her.
Mind: It’s so risky.
Body: Does this recliner vibrate?
“Dave’s coming for dinner tonight.”
“Dave from work or Dave who misquotes Disney…?”
[from outside]
“…hakuna banana.”
I have to get Rosetta stoned to figure out what my pothead sister is texting me.
-hey lucifer. did it hurt
-did what hurt
-when you fell from heaven
-for the last time gabriel i am not going out with you
my only concern about UFOs is if they’re staying they should be paying their fair share in taxes.