It’s bad enough that I have to die someday, having my whole life flash before my eyes first just seems excessive
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My wife just texted that there’s “garlic dread in the freezer”. I’m afraid to look.
Bruce Willis should host a baking competition called Pie Hard.
Welcome to the stomach
I have standards. They might be low, but still…..
I once accidentally joined a cult because I zoned out mid-conversation and just kept saying “yeah, of course” every few minutes.
Spend $200 on cat toys
Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP
My 4yo asked me for a ninja shaped pancake. I made her a circle because that’s all my pancake making skill level allows me to make. She was like, “umm… where’s the ninja??” So I told her that it’s so fast you can’t see it and she said “wow! Thanks mom!” Lmao
Windows 10? Cool!
Only 85 more versions before we come back to Windows 95
Why yes, YouTube, I *did* want to watch part 5 when part 2 ended. How did you know?
“pew, pew, pew!”
-me, pointing out seating options in a church
I don’t trust scrapbookers because I feel it’s a slippery slope to ransom letters
I still to this day think about that tweet where a girl said she walked into her room holding her phone in one hand and a cup of tea in the other and threw the wrong one onto her bed
Thanks for nothing autocorrect, I’m never gonna get chicks being a “homeless romantic”.
Hey sorry I can’t make it that night. My wife and I have tickets to a Broadway show. Yeah a bunch of guys brought a giant ape over from some island and we’re going to go look at him
The worst thing just happened. I won’t recover. I just reached into a box of free samples outside a chicken restaurant. Only it wasn’t free samples. It was a man. Holding a box of chicken. His chicken. I tried to steal this man’s chicken.
Me: I feel like I look cute today.
Target self-checkout video: EIGHTY-SEVEN YEAR OLD WITCH.
WIFE: I’m leaving you because of your constant mansplaining. I can’t believe you didn’t see the writing on the wall.
ME: That’s called graffiti, Sharon.
My husband and I keep the spark alive in our marriage.
I send flirty pictures of stuff I want to buy and he sends flirty little messages like, “I thought we agreed to save money.”
Maybe we should put monkeys in charge for a while just to see how it goes.
Me: It’s cold out there today!
12: How cold?
Me: ICE COLD!
Alright, alright, alright, alright, alright
Alright, alright, alright, alright, alright
Alright, alright, alright, alright12: *sighs*
I taught my kid the importance of stop, drop and roll at an early age. Now he never blocks my view of the television.
Doctor: “You have a hip injury.”
Me: “I am very trendy.”
Parenting talk translated.
“Come on you’re very tired, you need to get to bed.”
Actually means:
“Come on, I’m very tired, you need to get to bed.”
Today at work a lady brought in a gift bag for the doctor, being he wasn’t there at the time, I just put it on his desk. It was a stool sample.
[lying in bed]
Wife: He’s probably thinking of other women
ME: *Imagining eating dinner with Batman* It’s a cape AND a bib?!
[at bank]
Samuel L Jackson turning in swear jar: I need a bank check to buy Rhode Island
A fun game you can play with someone who claims they’re going on a detox diet/cleanse is to ask them to name literally one toxin they’re getting rid of, and why the liver somehow missed it
’50 shades of gray’ -worst set of crayola colored pencils.
I convinced my spouse we needed more “security” but mostly I wanted a video doorbell on our backdoor so I could watch live streams of our dogs all day.