Whenever bands ask me for examples of a “good press photo” I send them this
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The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.
As soon as they figure out sex, we’re saved.
Sorry I mostly speculated about my missing stapler in your leaving card.
“Mrs. Doubtfire” is my favorite movie about a messy custody battle that gives way to horribly illegal and creepy transgendered stalking.
I hope someone asks me what’s in my pocket because it’s the bra I just took off and a cheeseburger.
I would give my toddler fire before I give them glitter
As if it weren’t bad enough being stuck inside this increasingly failing meat chassis, why’s the calcium scaffolding gotta be weakening too?
Autocorrect changed “decaffeinated” to “defecated”, and despite what my wife may claim, I’m pretty sure she knew what I wanted a cup of.
My new uniform is so tight I almost broke my fingers getting a card out of my back pocket
date: [breaks 3 minute silence] “you dont have to use the chopsticks just to impress me”
me: [trying to pick up my beer] “i can do it”
When my wife came home I hid under a blanket and my quick thinking 5yo said to her “That’s not daddy under the blanket. That’s just a big lump.”
It’s all fun and games until you swallow the keys to the handcuffs.
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
It was supposed to rain this morning and didn’t, which is rude to the sweatpants sofa plans I made.
Facebook-
You: Going to a concert tonight!
Friend: Sweet, what concert?
Aunt: WHAT IS ITUNEZ?????? HOW IS YOUR DAD????? I LOVE YOU XOXOXO
I was disappointed to find out a sexagenarian is someone in their 60s and not a career option.
ME: *falls off the wagon*
THE REST OF MY CARAVAN ON THE OREGON TRAIL: Phew. Finally.
i wasn’t in favor of banning tiktok until i found out there is a part of it called “watertok” where people share “water recipes”. what do you mean water recipes. all you need is cold water. it’s a tasty treat
If you can’t think of a word say “I forget the English word for it”. That way people will think you’re bilingual instead of an idiot.
I hope I never have to produce an alibi…cause eating salsa in bed with my cat every night would never hold up in court.
ME: My dog loves it when I work from home.
DOG [to camera, opening beer]: Between you and me, it’s incredibly inconvenient. I had shit planned today.
Me: ‘I just want to do something spontaneous.’
Combustion: ‘We’ll see.’
During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, “where should I put my pants”? “Over there by mine”, was not the answer I was expecting.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: let’s back up for a second
ME: what’s wrong
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: did you just call it dude diligence
Today while in the bookshop I said to the lady behind the counter, “I’m looking for a book by Shakespeare”
She asked “Which one?”
Me: “William”
i like my men like i like my coffee, secretly alcoholic.
me: anything interesting happen today?
my 8yo: I finally got a booger out of my nose that’s been there since I was 5.
Thank god I played a lot of Tetris as a kid or I never would have been able to get everything into the freezer
[staff meeting]
“Ya so heads up, someone grabbed my lunch from the fridge, and there’s a 420% chance you shouldn’t eat the brownie inside”
Ladies. Even the most mundane chore is better in a Princess Leia costume.