Thanks to a hangover, I was the douche wearing sunglasses inside the airport today.
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The only reason I know it’s February is because the M&M’s are pink.
[first date]
HER: if you had to give up one of your senses which one would you choose?
ME: definitely my ability to see dead people.
HER:
WebMD would be more accurate if every search result diagnosed you as a hypochondriac.
Hold a grudge? I’m still mad at a song from 1995 that confused irony with coincidence.
If you walk around in knight’s armor long enough, people will just get used to it.
my son wont get past his bridge troll phase. its a phase all children have, where they live under a bridge and rob people with a gun
I was 15 minutes into destroying a plate full of ribs before I even noticed my date had left.
Sorry I said “You’ll do” instead of “I do” at our wedding.
I hate how, no matter where you move, smoke from the campfire always follows you.
[ I pause upon entering the Sears Optical Department. The smoke watches me from Homewares, pretending to look at a blender ]
Happy 50% off black jellybeans day!
[creating seals]
Angel: It’s been a long day, how about just one more thing?
God: Give that dog a wetsuit & lets go the pub.
Daughter: what does biography mean?
Me: it’s when you tell a story about someone.
[later at movie night]
Wife: let’s watch Cars.
Daughter: [whispers] autobiography.
ME: Guess who was just promoted to be the new CEO!
COWORKER: Amanda.
ME: Why would you assume it’s a man?
Her: Where ya been?
Me: At the cemetery.
Her: Someone dead?
Me: Yeah. All of them.
*Switches between 4 different news channels for an hour*
Has literally no idea what’s going on in the world
35+ crowd getting ready for the Teddy Riley vs Babyface battle
Bit chilly again tonight.
He-man has a Masters degree
We as humans are so lazy and entitled at this point. For example, I just typed two letters of a word on my laptop and then sat there waiting for something or someone else to do the rest.
next time i open up to someone is during surgery
They just called for “Jennifer” three times in the waiting room, and I have anxiety so there was a second where I wondered if my name was actually Jennifer
Nothing wakes you up faster than a 5 y/o kicking open your door like SWAT and jumping on you in bed.
Frodo: Holy crap, I’ve never seen anyone fight like that! How did you get so good?
Legolas: (thinking back to when Santa wouldn’t pay for his health care) … Dragons.
-Knock Knock!
-Who is it?
-The love of your life.
– 🙂 Really?
-Hahahaha no, it’s the pizza you ordered.
I’d never impersonate an Uber driver and show up at your house.
That would be crazy.
when i see a tiny dog carrying a really big stick
I promised you nothing and I’m a man who lives up to his promises.
[talking to a date]
“I hate rushing into relationships.”
[talking to a new friend]
“I’m tired of dating. Run away with me & we’ll get married in Vegas. We can start a raccoon farm outside of town & grow old together. No one can stop us.”
Me (as a doctor): I’m afraid you have very moderately progressing gonorrhea
Patient: what? I don’t understand
Me (starts slow clap)
On the off chance you choose to start a rumor about me, please make it extra hot so I can live vicariously, thanks