*sees other guys posting photos of their abs*
*posts photo of me washing dishes*
*gets hit on by every woman on the internet*
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If you guys know anyone, I’m in the market for a mannequin head that’s missing both eyes and has dark hair…please, no weirdos.
If you occasionally accuse your husband of shrinking your clothes in the dryer, he won’t realize you’re slowly getting fat.
i mentioned that my parents have been married 40 years and my gf was like “wow, i wonder what it would be like to love someone for 40 years” and it’s like, just to be clear, my parents wouldn’t know
Everyone’s gangster until they pull a push door.
A Quiet Place but it’s just me trying to open a piece of cheese without my dog hearing
“Ugh, it’s so dark!” *shivers* “And cold! Why is it so huge? It’s, like, jeez, does it go on forever?!”
– Larry, the worst astronaut
The good news is that my appetite has come back. The bad news is that my appetite has come back.
I insist on having my husband talk dirty to me in a Donald Duck voice.
One minute you’re young and carefree, and the next you’re the person who says, “Did you fall in?” when someone’s in the bathroom too long.
So that’s what we looked like?
Going to find a way to reprogram my Alexa so everytime my kids ask it a question it responds with “I don’t know go ask your mother”
How funny!
My son (4 years old), who has grown up watching us talk to Siri and Alexa, thinks you can talk to anything that has a screen or is plugged into the wall. This morning he told the toaster to order him a new lego set.
*3.5 thank you very much.
this is how it feels as a teacher when a student complains about school
Right now, someone likes something you don’t and other people are agreeing. You just gonna sit there and let that happen?
Father O’Malley answers the phone. ‘Hello, is this Father O’Malley?’
‘It is!’
‘This is the IRS. Can you help us?’
‘I can!’
‘Do you know a Ted Houlihan?’
‘I do!’
‘Is he a member of your congregation?’
‘He is!’
‘Did he donate $10,000 to the church?’
‘He will.’
Jackie Chan turns 65 today and he’s still able to beat the living shit out of all us with a ladder
Is this cat saying Meow or Mao? Cause I’m not keepin some commie cat
our love will go down in history
like the Hindenburg
My current situation
[Disney Pitch Meeting]
Writer: So kids love puppies
Exec: Haha true
Writer: This movie is about skinning alive 101 of them
Exec: First off, it’s perfect
Just threw out my back getting the cool side of the pillow and I’m pretty sure the cat is laughing at me.
I trick people that I know Spanish by quoting fragments of Spanish songs I know, la bamba.
My wife bought me a nice jacket at a second hand store but it has the name Bubba embroidered on it, I guess I’m Bubba now.
This makes total sense…
Your make-up application says “I failed Clown College”.
PHIL COLLINS: Here tonight is the man who inspired my next song, “Fat Shithead Clogged My Toilet.”
[spotlight tracks me as I head for Exit]
[first date with Shrek]
Shrek: Where shall we go?
Me: Let’s go… OGRE THERE hahaha
Shrek: I’m going back to my swamp
I’m still waiting for the chicken pot pie I cooked last weekend to cool down.