Me: When the cocoon hatches, the caterpillar turns into a butterfly.
4-year-old: That’s it?
Me: What did you want it to be?
4: A dragon.
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Scientists found there may not be as many benefits to flossing as we thought. Guess none of them have ever been to a party with spinach dip.
waiter: need help with the menu?
me: yes, what’s this word here
waiter: the name of the restaurant, sir
me: and how is that prepared
Auto correct changed “mingle” to “mangle,” and now I’ve been uninvited to a Superbowl party.
“Get over yourself.”
*Me teaching clones how to play leapfrog
#OnMyPetsChristmasList
More red dots please
Eating healthy is boring but it can extend your lifespan so basically there are no advantages
Green is just blue that someone peed in
Most things in life aren’t free. HOWEVER if you run fast enough, they are.
I wonder if dogs get embarrassed when they have to stand that way and shit in front of everybody. I know I do.
Me: I got you a Butler to help out around the house.
Wife: I specifically said do not get me a Butler.
Me: sorry man, she’s not interested.
Gerard Butler: [sadly] very good Sir.
As suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden.
The plot thickens.
THIS SHIT HAS ME DEAD 😭
The stages of giving my dog a new stuffy:
1) oh my god for me?!
2) this is the best day ever
3) this house is full of thieves trust no one
Friend teaching me how to flirt: You have to lick your lips just a little, make it look sexy.
Me: Like this?
Friend: No, not like that
Me: How about now?
Friend: Please stop
Me:
a fun thing about Nova Scotia is that our most popular tourist attraction is a place with 4 million signs reading “you’re probably gonna die if you stand on these rocks” and almost every year someone stands on the rocks and dies anyway
When I’m elected Pope, pants will be optional.
(at least for me)
(and that won’t really be a change from what I do now)
Officer: “didn’t you know that sleeping in your car on the side of the road is illegal ?”
Me: “yes I did officer. But this isn’t my car”
Me: Where the hell are you going with those balloons?
4yr: I need to wee!
Me: With balloons?!
4yr: Its so much fun to wee with balloons
On a scale of ‘woke up in the gutter’ to ‘CAPS LOCK IS TOO LOUD’..
How hung over are you?
*Job Interview
Me: “Thanks for meeting with me”
IKEA Manager: “My pleasure. Have a seat”(Sees nothing but a pile of finished wood, quarter inch screws, and an allen wrench)
Me: “What…”
Manager *starts timer*
Quick reminder that the Twilight saga is about the classic teen angst of choosing between bestiality and necrophilia
*Me ordering food, wearing a new white shirt*
I’ll have whatever is the most splattery and red
*grabs man in NASA coat*
No, you don’t understand! He’s a werewolf! A werewolf astronaut! LISTEN TO ME, THE MOON IS ALWAYS FULL UP THERE!
I need to stay off WebMD. Every time I look something up, I’m like, “Oh look. I’m dead already.”
152,000 people will die today but not the one you want.
Me: [pokes Bruce Banner with a stick] why aren’t you angry? What’s your secret?
Dr. Bruce Banner: my secret? I’m always angry.
Me: Hi Always Angry! I’m Dad
The Incredible Hulk: are you happy now?
Me: no, I’m Dad
I never thought geometry would be any use to me in the real world, but look at me now, one more game of beer pong to win back my house.
Some of us better hope Santa doesn’t check Twitter because if he does all we’re getting for Christmas is therapy.
I have explained who the California Raisins are to two people today and I am starting to wonder if I made them up.
luke: *tips hat* waterwalker
jesus: *tips hat* skywalker