Have you ever listened fo someone talk for a while and wondered who helps them put their shoes on the right feet?
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“The truth has finally been revealed” around the world:
5. The cat is out of the bag (English)
4. The bunny is out of the hat (Czech)
3. The pigeon falls out of your mouth (Romanian)
2. The turtle’s feet have appeared (Taiwanese)
1. Now the monkey comes out of the sleeve (Dutch)
Nietzsche: God is dead
God: Nietzsche is dead
[they both turn to camera]
THAT’S RIGHT, WE’RE DEAD SERIOUS ABOUT OUR MATTRESS PRICES
My husband told me I was beautiful for the first time tonight
Sure, he was drunk and using a Scooby Doo voice but I’ll take it
I always feel ripped off when someone asks if they can “sneak by you”, but then you say yes and they just walk by and aren’t sneaky at all.
OF COURSE I’m not on my first box of Christmas Tree Cakes! ARE YOU NUTS?!… I’m on my second.
Cucumbers hate becoming pickles. For them, it’s a jarring experience.
Me: That’s the murder house on the street.
Friend: That’s your house.
Me: Yea
[About to sign divorce papers] and I definitely get to keep this pen?
35+ crowd getting ready for the Teddy Riley vs Babyface battle
I need Apple to develop a slurred speech to text feature.
The perfect label doesn’t exi-
Graduating from law school and immediately googling what can you do with a law degree
I just want everyone to know my daughter is a monster. She is dipping french fries in honey mustard. I have failed as a mother.
Sliding my tongue in every hole not breaking eye contact with deli clerk is why they kicked me out & won’t let me buy Swiss cheese anymore.
Me, in my bathroom looking at a medication that was made by a company that went out of business in 2007: I can find a use for this.
JUMPER ON BRIDGE: Stay back, I just want to end it all
GOOD COP: Please, you don’t have to do this
CAT COP: *slowly pushes him off bridge*
Liam Neeson: What I do have are a very particular set of skills.
Me if I were the kidnapper: *is.
China spy balloon:
“We’re trying to contact you about your car’s extended warranty.”
[on date pretending not to be a dung beetle]
Date: What’s your favourite meal?
Me: Poop
Date: What?
Me: SOUP, I like eating soup
While I was relaxing having my wine my toddler threw a piece of cheese straight at my face and said, “gotcha.”
[during sex]
me: imma turn the ceiling fan on
giraffe wife: *on top* noooooooo
I just weighed myself so I could then weigh the dog; so now we’re both depressed and comfort eating kibble.
Who called it a psychic reading instead of prophet sharing?
[jumps in Uber]
ME: HURRY I’M LATE
UBER: [starts driving]
ME: PULL OVER HERE
[jumps out, pets dog]
ME: [jumps back in] GO GO GO
How do American chickens cross the road? In a bucket.
Oh well….there’s always tomorrow!
#hopespringseternal
If self driving cars are the thing of the future could you imagine how that’s going to change the repossession game? Imagine missing a payment and your Subaru just starts backing itself down the driveway.
My waxer keeps mumbling about finding Big Foot. Probably just means he finds me mysterious, right?
Orange: Knock knock
Apple: Who’s there?
O: Orange
A: Orange who?
O: Orange you glad I didn’t say Banana?
A: Yes! That guy is the WORST!
[overheard at a 7 year old’s birthday party]
GIRL: I wanna marry you
BOY 1: 😲
BOY 2: I wanna marry your toilet