“What?”
– Jude
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All of Star Wars is basically just about flying through different kinds of canyons. The plot is only there to create reasons to fly through canyons
Calm down check engine light, if I can run on broken parts, so can you
Thought I was turning into my dad, but it was just his driveway.
My 3-year-old was having yogurt for breakfast. He decided to pretend it was ice cream. Then got mad at me because it really wasn’t ice cream.
There aren’t enough condom ads in the world.
The bathroom just ran out of paper towels, so obviously I had to wipe my hands on the next person I passed in the hallway.
me [pounding on my son’s locked bedroom door]: open up this instant! this is my house!
son: well actually you have a mortgage, so it’s the bank’s house. have someone from wells fargo come and tell me
me [to wife]: i knew we shouldn’t have gotten him those personal finance books
Don’t embarrass a guy by telling him his fly is open in public.
Just be a man, walk over there, and slowly zip it up for him.
{Heaven}
ME: Hey, why didn’t you answer my prayers?
GOD: I did. Every time you said Goddamnit I damned it.
ME: Oh, no, that’s just—it’s like a saying.
GOD: Why would you even…I damned so much stuff!
The only time my ex will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground.
Giraffes were invented in 1780 when three horses accidentally swallowed a ladder
Me: Why is there a rolling chair in the kitchen?
Husband: Well, I know you injured your leg.
Me: And?
Husband: And I thought it would be easier for you to cook dinner.
Bored?
Looking for some action?Call my parents and tell them you heard the price of stamps are going up again.
BOSS: You ok?
ME: Yeah, why?
BOSS: You have a sign that says “2 Days Without Being Annoyed”
[maintaining eye contact, I change it to 0]
[cat mom giving birth]
Cat dad: Aw, a healthy kit-
WHAT THE, twins!
OMG triplets…holy shit, 4?
(sweating)…5?
WTF IS HAP- 6 *faints*
Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the first twelve digits of pi
boss: david, you’re fired
me: *just got a haircut* is that alllllll you have to say to me 🙂
Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get into and then out of the shower.
Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet baby girl
2: *starts crying* These are my only feet!
Pandas are such weird, unserious bears. There’s no way they don’t get laughed out of the room at the Bear Council.
Kid at skatepark:
“Are you Tony Hawk?”
me: I am
him: “no you’re not”
me: ok, I’m not
him: “but are you, FOR REAL?”
me: I am, for real
him: I thought you’d look younger
me: ME TOO
My kids don’t enjoy cleaning so much as they enjoy spraying cleaning supplies everywhere
Why do people apologize when their dog runs up to you? You could stuff your dog down the back of my shirt and I’d give you a dollar
Jane Austen really squandered the opportunity to write a sequel called “2 Proud 2 Prejudiced.”
technically you can breathe anything just not very long for some things
When the moon hits your eye like 3.14 Pi
That’s the ratio of its circumference to its diameter
West Side Story gave me the wrong impression. No one at this gang fight is a good dancer and I’ve been shot in the arm.
Sloth isn’t such a bad sin. It keeps me from committing the other six.
Ex: will you take me out for my birthday?
Me, grabbing my pistol: I thought you’d never ask