Don’t have a house cat drive you to the post office. I know that now.
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Ex bf: Would you give me a second chance for a Klondike bar?
Me: you can shove that square peg in your round hole.
7-year-old: *dumps her toy dinosaurs all over the floor*
Me: You can’t just leave your dinosaurs everywhere.
7-year-old: It was their planet first.
I’m not a doctor, which is why I’m able to offer surgeries for so much less than my competitors.
government: let’s reopen stuff.
public: ummmm…
guy who sells death certificate printers: let’s hear him out…
Co-Worker: Can I get a quick word?
Me: Velocity.
Co-Worker: …
Normal people driving by a construction site: wonder what they’re building…
Me: what a great place to bury a body!
Whole Foods just notified me that I’ve won a “Lifetime Supply of Fresh Kale” which in my case is one kale.
Hey, guy playing video games and ignoring your hot girlfriend…Are you gonna eat that?
He had a cocktail in one hand, a cigarette in the other, and a beautiful woman half his age in the other. Then in the other a green tennis ball.
They called him… The Juggler
Brilliant!
[answers phone in crowded elevator] give me some good news…HOW contagious?
a depressed ship hitting an iceberg is called a sightanic.
My neighbor said, wow that skeleton looks almost real and I said I know and to think it was almost free.
coworker: you’re 37? you look younger
me: i let a demon possess me in exchange for external youth
coworker: ha ha *leaves*
demon inside me: you gotta stop saying that someone’s gonna believe you
me: meh. i’m going to the break room for a donut
demon: ooo get a maple bar
Her: but why aren’t the candles ON the cake?
Me: it’s not a birthday cake, Denise. it’s a summoning tart.
Dear ppl in rl, yes, you’re right. Social media is nothing like socializing in rl, but let’s see you try muting someone by a single click.
Ok hear me out, the musical Cats -but with velociraptors.
I CANNOT WAIT for this streaming service.
Have you ever been so jealous of an idea
Little did I know the first time I bought a 3-pack of condoms that I was buying a lifetime supply.
just once i’d like to lay in bed nude and drink a cup of tea without an art class trying to paint my portrait
I came home to find that my son had installed the air conditioner in his bedroom window.
I told him, “You did a good job, but it’s actually supposed to go in like this.”
I then proceeded to drop his air conditioner out of the 2nd story window.
There is no moral to this story.
karate teacher: “break this wood”
me: “why?”
karate teacher: “i dunno, pretend it’s mugging you”
me: [gives wood my wallet]
this isn’t as bad as i thought it was going to be.
-my 12yo complimenting dinner
Wait, 12 years a slave isn’t about marriage?
WAITER: soup or salad?
CLARK KENT: *sweating nervously* just a REGULAR salad for a REGULAR guy please ha ha. nothing super about it…
If you think you’re socially awkward, one time a woman I barely know was pointing to something on my shirt and I thought she wanted to start a finger sword fight with me.
Welcome to your 40s: you’re not exhausted that’s just your face now.
Angel: Welcome to Heaven
Me: But… this is a Costco…
A: Yes. And here is a map with the exact locations listed for every item you need
M: *falls to my knees, sobbing with emotion and gratitude*