Shot to the heart
And you’re to blame
You drink shots
With bad aim
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Who said chivalry is dead, I open the door at least a hundred times a day for my cat and dogs.
The Harry Potter series is such bullshit. Like we’re supposed to believe a boy with an invisibility cloak ever left the girl’s locker room.
*chugging, distorted guitars, aggressive precision drumming*
Me: *wearing a bloody pig face and growling like a demon* One cannot step twice in the same river. I think therefore I am. Entities should not be multiplied unnecessarily.
Depth Metal
Whenever I read the word “female” on twitter, in my head I pronounce it like “tamale”.
Spent a summer in Rome, so I’m fluent in dropping that into conversation
Coworker: Is this anyone’s old food smelling up the fridge?
Me, knowing it’s mine: Ha ha no clue.
You know how we used to be scared of monsters grabbing our legs from under the bed?
Meet my cat.
I’m sorry this birthday cake suffered a severe accident where my hand fell into it and a chunk of it filled my mouth.
Why do fifty percent of marriages end in divorce?
Well, I’m guessing it’s because the other fifty percent can’t afford lawyers.
Me: *Does one 30-second Google search for giraffe pictures to use in a joke I’m texting someone*
Pinterest email: HERE ARE 48 BOARDS OF GIRAFFES YOU MIGHT ENJOY BECAUSE YOU ARE OBVIOUSLY A GIRAFFE FANATIC
MTV Movie Awards comes on in 15 minutes if anyone needs a reason to turn off the TV and go to bed.
*running from the police and turning into an alley*
HER: Kiss me
HIM: What?
HER: Do you trust me? Then kiss me
*they kiss passionately as the police round the corner*
POLICE: There they are! They stopped to kiss!
I’m a little late to emojis. I can do heart (❤️) and I can do dinosaur (🦖), which pretty much covers any emotion I’m likely to have.
One-upping the deceased by showing up to the funeral in my own coffin.
Don’t worry guys. I’ve got a scented candle and THREE healing crystals. I’ll have Twitter fixed up by noon tomorrow
remember if you want to send me flowers today my favorite kind are mushroom pizza
him: you’re a riot
me: which one
him: haha it’s an expres-
me: i am the haymarket riot of 1886
him: ok…
me: im not some potato riot
The concept of dominant hands is hilarious to me. That one of our hands is just like no, I’m not helping
We put a man on the moon in 1969, and if you elect me to be your president, I promise that we will not stop until every man is on the moon.
If its a ghost ship why does it have to be on water
Me: you’ll be in school until 2035
My Kid: *confidently* that’s not a real number
Me: maybe even longer
If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.
wife: I saw a baby on the way to work
me: how do you know?
wife: how do I know I saw a baby on the way to work?
me: yeah, did it have a tiny briefcase or something?
wife: what
“and that’s why you should always put your stuff away” I lecture my kid as we search for the missing candy I ate while she was sleeping
JUDGE: so u plan to plead insanity?
ME: let me double-check with my counsel
*A googly-eyed sock puppet whispers in my ear*
ME: yes ur honor
‘They’ll be searching for days!’ I giggle as I leave ‘sorry bout the damage notes’ on random cars at the Costco
when you came back from the bathroom and your younger sibling had taken your spot on the couch
I’m not taking the Democrat convention seriously until someone starts talking to a table.
Inventor: It’s a jackhammer.
Investors: This is groundbreaking.
Seth Rogen and James Franco having their movie pulled due to terrorist threats sounds like the plot of a Seth Rogen and James Franco movie.