The average Apple employee works 6 hours longer a day than an Apple battery.
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My doctor said I need to drink more water every day, so I have started putting ice cubes in my vodka.
“What would you say is your greatest weakness?”
Probably my tendency to stalk and murder people who won’t hire me.
Kids look forward to recess.
Adults look forward to Reese’s.
Add some young bull sharks to your rich neighbor’s natural swimming pool for a little excitement
When you have a clap light in your bedroom, rough sex also becomes a rave.
Wish I was a duck. Just chillin in a park all day, maybe go for a swim. Oh what’s that? People wanna feed me? Hell yeah
Doctor 1: burrowing mites under the skin is pretty gross, but how do we make it sound even grosser?
Doctor 2: let’s call it scabies
Doctor 1: YES!! done
What if Fox News is just an 18 year long infomercial for teeth whitener?
At least my meth head neighbor mows his lawn. It’s at 4 am and he’s naked, but still
Running from your problems is cardio .
My husband knocks on our fishtank when the fish are chasing and biting each other. As if they’re gonna be like, “Shit, we better stop, Dad’s home.”
sistine chapel
HER: Take a shower with me. 😊
ME: Haha no, I always hog the hot water and you’ll get upset.
HER: Please. 😊[5 minutes later]
HER: I’m so cold…
ME: *mouth around the shower nozzle* GLUG GLUG GLUG
If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.
Remember when a blue moon was a rare and romantic thing, and now it’s probably something terrible on Urban Dictionary?
Me *starts peeling potatoes*
My kid: are the fries ready yet?
Walked outside to say hello to the owl and the neighbor thought I was saying hi to him.
If you think a woman is speaking to you, look around and make sure she isn’t talking into a tree. She is probably actually speaking to an owl.
I can only please one person a day, and i already pleased myself this morning.. so y’all are screwed!
There’s no way the Ninja Turtles would have those ripped abs. You can’t do crunches with a shell attached to your back. Trust me I’ve tried.
The U.S is #18 in mathematics worldwide. At least we’re in the top ten.
*does the Dirty Dancing lift with a slab of ribs*
the abolition of the 140 character limit and the advent of threads are responsible for the current state of this website. turned what was mostly cute little quips into constant insufferable bloviating posts like this one
All I’m saying is if I’m not allowed to give a monkey a gun at the zoo they should have a sign.
People who finish their entire stick of lip balm without losing it first should be the only ones allowed to have kids.
do u think karl marx was a marxist bc of his last name or was it just a coincidence
Important new ad I stuck up in town today. Experts only, please.
Emails from your boss assigning you work do not qualify as cyber bullying.
I checked.
Her: I need advice.
Me: (eating cookie dough for breakfast) You came to the right person.
Beethoven:Who wants to hear some Symphonies?
*crowd goes wild
B:I SAID WHO WANTS TO HEAR SOME SYMPHONIES
*crowd goes nuts
B:I CANT HEAR YOU!
Before I check out of my hotel room, I like to scrub the toilet, clean the shower, strip the bed, and leave a $700 tip for the maid so it feels like I’m staying in an airbnb