SISTER: i’m engaged!
ME: awwwwwwwwewwww
SISTER: did you sneak an ‘ew’ in there
ME: …no
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I always try to compliment people, even if it’s just, “Wow, I’ve never seen clothes worn like that before.” or “You have a dope overbite.”
A toaster is the ultimate bath bomb
Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?
a cool way to answer the phone is “dracula?” and when they tell you who is actually calling you say “okay phew”
You get home from work early. You walk into the kitchen and your dog is peeling a potato. Startled, she yells “IT’S JUST A POTATO!”
#ambien
Accidentally left the plunger in the toilet, so yeah the wife is wide awake now.
Keep a few cat turds in your pockets, just in case a cop searches you. He will get cat poop on his hands, and you can laugh. It’s all legal.
*gets off on a technicality
Technicality: Perv.
[Infomercial for Parachutes]
“Has this ever happened to you?” *showing footage of a man getting thrown off a building, screaming*
We all have our pet causes.
My kid took out the trash without being asked so imagine my surprise moments later when he asked if he could spend $10 bucks on a video game.
My youngest son can grow a beard even though his father can’t.
Score 1, for my facial hair producing genes.
Why did the new psychology student eat their textbook?
Because the professor said it was a piece of cake!
😂
How long before your caterpillars will turn into butterflies?
Me looking at your eyebrows
Women never understand the importance of cords. We NEED to keep all these cords, just in case! What if we run out of cords!
1 year older today, and still no closer to growing up
Don’t forget to tip your server
Friend: What’s with all the extra guests?
Me: You told me to bring the Cranberries.
*Linger starts to play*
i just took the price tag off of a gift i will be giving to my cat
can you imagine shamir going through the Bad Freelance Experience…… someone’s like “i want u to assassinate this guy” and she quotes them for 2000g and they go “what? that’s so high! doesn’t it only take you two seconds to, like, shoot an arrow?”
once i complete this philosophy degree it’s over for you Nietzsches
Me: haha why would I stop eating cheese because of what you heard in a horoscope
Doctor: stethoscope
1965~ Wow Cher looks good
1985 ~ Wow Cher looks good
1995 ~ Wow Cher looks good
2020 ~Wow Cher looks good
3035 ~ Wow Cher looks good
dads be like “go help your mother” bro go help your wife
When I’m elected Pope, pants will be optional.
(at least for me)
(and that won’t really be a change from what I do now)
Me: *buys a meal for one*
Everyone: Aw that poor lonely guy.Me: *buys a meal for two*
Everyone: Ew that fat lonely guy.
Anything is free if you can outrun security.
The more you know.
In the 1800s women were sometimes forced to wear an “A” on their clothing, signifying that they were Alvin from the Chipmunks.
On the phone:
Me – Do you have brown or beige gravy for Thanksgiving?
Mom – Brown, why?
Me – No reason.
(Pulls out brown shirt for preemptive spills)
Following Prince Phillip’s passing, Prince Charles inherits the title Duke Of Edinburgh. Basically, it all shifts up one. For instance, I’m now my next door neighbour, Pauline Cathcart.