One beautiful tradition in my mother’s culture is that if someone is sick,
the neighbours won’t hesitate to bring over food and help with errands,
but I can’t help but wonder when they will start getting suspicious over the fact that we’ve had the flu for 7 months now…
You Might Also Like
what sorcery is this? How does my VLC player know its christmas ????
CASHIER: would you like to donate one dollar to charity?
ME: no thank you
SATAN (sitting on a throne made of human skulls): excellent choice
This could be us but you keep mumbling about your dignity.
“Oh you just put lotion on?
You’re not going anywhere.”
– Doorknob
Surely these children should be in bed by now?
– me, anytime after 4pm
[resorting to cannibalism]
My GF: we’ve only been out here for 4 hours!!
Me: he would have wanted us to survive
Dog people always act like dogs are so much better than cats but as a cat person just wanna say that you never see cats working with the cops
So a baby crawls across the floor to its bottle and it’s cute but when I do it I’m “in need of an intervention”?
I don’t understand why they named it “sandpaper” when the obvious name “office toilet paper” was right there in front of them.
How to clean a plastic shower curtain liner:
Step 1: Throw it away and buy a new one for $5 at Target.
I see stand-up comedy as a stepping stone to television. A few more paid gigs and I’ll be able to afford a television.
When you’re not sure if people keep waving at you you might need to ease up on the hellocinogens
I don’t have an insurance policy on myself because there’s no sense in tempting my wife more than she already is.
Whenever I see a job advertisement, I respond to it. It’s called MANNERS
i did a little research on why weekends are only two days long and it turns out people made that up. wtf people
I have a Boo and a Bae. I guess you can say I have Boobaes.
Cat: I think i have a rash.
Doctor Dog: WE SHOULD AMPUTATE YOUR HEAD
My 3-year-old said she wished we had a pet. I reminded her we have a dog and wow the genuine surprise on her face as it dawned on her that our dog is a pet and not just some other guy who lives here.
*waits for someone to have sex with me so I can use the ‘sex with me is like’ joke format*
It’s very 2024 because I was just so impressed with how thick that store’s checkout bags are. I was like, “Such nice bags. Oh wow. So sturdy! Usually plastic bags are like tissue paper thin. These, now THESE bags are some serious bags. They can HOLD stuff. These are for me? Wow”
Eating scrambled eggs directly off the bathroom floor to demonstrate my faith in modern cleaning products
purposely bought tall lace up boots so I’ll never have to be anywhere on time again
Since the day he was born, I always expected my kid to grow up to be smarter, funnier, and more successful than me.
I just didn’t expect him to do this by age 6.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who just climbed out my passenger side door because there was a wasp on my window.
Broke my ankle at 19 years old and didn’t miss a single day waiting tables. Last week I took 3 days off work because my cat had diarrhea.
In an effort to drink more water, I started taking a sip of water every time one of my kids yells MOM. So far I’m at 7 gallons.
Employee: Everything I eat goes right through me.
Me: Yup, that’s how digestion works.
women showering in movie: slowly rubbing her soapy thighs.
women showering in real life: firing snot outta our noses like angry dragons.
God bless the hundreds of people doomsday prepping at Costco right now and still eating the little food samples sitting out for everyone to touch #coronavirus