Just once I’d like to buy a house plant that didn’t have the lifespan of a soap bubble.
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My wife just said that Twilight is better than The Lost Boys. I don’t think there’s a jury in the world that would convict me.
We should be able take jets and tanks and stuff whenever we want, we paid for them
*relates to your tweet in the wrong way*
Me: *Does one 30-second Google search for giraffe pictures to use in a joke I’m texting someone*
Pinterest email: HERE ARE 48 BOARDS OF GIRAFFES YOU MIGHT ENJOY BECAUSE YOU ARE OBVIOUSLY A GIRAFFE FANATIC
Let’s legalize all drugs so Americans finally learn the metric system.
FBI PROFILER, LOOKING AT PHOTOS OF MY HOUSE: White male, mid-30s, doesn’t have a lot of friends or close associations, probably read a lot about serial killers as a kid, eats a lot of bullshit food, no real skills
ME: I’m right here
FBI PROFILER: Talks like an idiot
*I open the curtains with a smile, enjoying the gentle breeze on my naked body*
ME: Good morning, world!
CURTAIN STORE MANAGER: Call the police, Karen… He’s back.
DENTIST: I need to test how sensitive you are
ME: Ok
DENTIST: You have a stupid haircut
ME *lip starts trembling*
DENTIST: I see
“Al-Qaeda: ‘ISIS Goes Too Far’.” Ah the Middle East, where al-Qaeda is the voice of moderation.
So if you eat what you like and don’t exercise, eventually you get a motorised scooter.
I’m really not seeing the down side here.
I miss the days before the internet, when you didn’t know some person’s every awful thought until they died and you cleaned out their attic.
I still see some of my ex-girlfriends. Well, not so much see, more like…watch.
I assume anyone sitting alone in a car in the dark corner of a grocery store parking lot is waiting to meet a hitman who is running late.
I wish I was born in a year ending in zero so it’d be easier to remember how old I am. Thanks for following.
Not now. I’m deglazing.
I wouldn’t have to stash these leftovers in my bra if this dress had pockets
no officer these drugs aren’t mine i stole them
murderer: oh no i forgot my weapon 🙁
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and you have my bow
gimli: and my axe
murderer: omg *tearing up* you guys :’)
*sneaks into neighbor’s garage & stuffs confetti into the nozzle of his leaf blower*
*opens assassination store*
*makes a killing*
*dies while ironically wearing a fedora*:
oh no, this is part of my forever ghost outfit now
“Im sorry, I’m just really uncomfortable around children,” she said.
“I understand that,” replied the obstetrician, “but I still need you to push.”
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Because of the ancient Roman literature puns?
Her: Yah
Me: But Aenid you
If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that most of life’s problems can be solved by owning a rat that can electrocute people
90% of owning a dog is telling it to stop barking.
Welcome to your fifties. You need to try on belts before you buy them now.
Shout out to school music teachers everywhere who made a choice in life to get trapped in a room with 25 kids learning to play the recorder.
Being a mother is truly a gift. My son surprised me by stopping in to visit yesterday. Last night when I went to watch TV, I no longer had one.
DRIVER: *turns radio off* Where to?
UNDECIDED VOTER: Don’t rush me I need to hear all the places first. Tell me every place there is please.