My little sister did homework for a kid in her school because he promised to pay her $30 but after she finished it for him he told her that he wasn’t gonna pay her so she just sent him a picture of an email draft addressed to him and his teacher and just says “what about now”
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Friend: “I grilled some chickens over the weekend.”
Me: “Did you get the information that you were looking for?”
my body: please, eat something green
me: ugh, fine! *eats mint chip ice cream*
British people: Unicycle
American people: Collegecycle
Just tell me how many calories are in the entire package and save me the trouble of doing all the multiplication.
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
Little Caesar’s is really missing out by not doing a “Sides of March” deal on Crazy Bread.
I wanna get HAMMERED tonight.
Seriously?
Yeah, drunk as hell, bro.
Riiight. Of course, of course. *quietly slides hammer back into sleeve*
Guys, please stop wearing Nasa shirts, I bet you can’t even name one of their songs
Signatures are so unserious, just “pinky promise” for adults… write your name in a silly little way on this very important piece of paper so we that we can send you to jail if you do anything wrong
I bought jalapeño chips so I wouldn’t have to share with my kids.
It’s not working. My daughter is just eating through the pain.She’s mine
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
At my funeral, I’m stipulating in my will that after the eulogy is read the crowd can have 15 minutes for rebuttal, just to be fair.
If Twitter bellies up, I’m getting addresses because we are all pen pals now
i pretend i don’t care about stuff but that’s only because i have no idea what’s going on around me at any given time.
I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
Mmmm. Shoeshi
Magneto: Curses! How did you find my secret lair? Telepathy? Satellites?
Wolverine: every compass in town is pointing at you, bro, how do you not know this
[school email]
Parents, please send a snack with your child to school…no cookies or candy please. Let’s keep it healthy:)[same email]
Today’s lunch menu: Chocolate chip pancakes, syrup infused bacon, Mtn Dew soaked carrots, snorted Pixie sticks, and liquified Cinnabons
When are they going to drug test the audience of “The Price Is Right.”? No one should be that happy.
[first day as a microbiologist]
me: my god… i’ve never seen a strain like this
boss: [through toilet stall] GET OUT
For a movie called IT, there were suprisingly few computers in it
God gives his toughest battles* to his strongest soldiers.
*I have to log back into Hulu on my TV.
yes, sharks can outswim you. but you can outrun sharks. so far in a triathlon you’re square. all comes down to who’s the faster cyclist
I just left a court docket with 47 cases. I was number 4 and 43. The judge took the bench and took one look at me with my Kleenex and hacking cough and said, “Patient zero, YOU will be going first.”
Never has looking like complete crap made me so happy.
i like my men the same way i like my coffee; steadily getting cooler, as i inevitably forget they’re sitting next to me.
[ robbing grocery store ]
me: put the money in the bag
her: paper or plastic
I’ve never seen Les Misérables, but it looks like a cool movie about people who sing while working at Urban Outfitters.
I just saw Beauty and the Beast and now all I want to do is live with a water buffalo and talk to my furniture
I hope in my next life I come back as a McChicken so men will look at me lovingly and also settle for me out of desperation
Have you tried soaking yourself in rice to fix your problems?
~ Me as a therapist