*guy struggling to pick his teeth with a toothpick*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there were a better way?-commercial for business cards
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If you don’t have at least 1 white friend named “Matt”, then you are Matt.
Me: *pays $40 for tickets to the zoo*
Four-year-old: Look, a rock!
Hitmen probably get so annoyed when you spot the red laser dot and try to catch it like a cat.
[Halloween]
Lady: what are you this this year?
Me: *dressed as a phone battery meter* I’m at 10% and it’s only 7pm.
Lady: *faints*
[Driving]
Wife: You missed a right.
Me: Thanks babe – you MRS right.
friend: i want a bf
me: i want to hold the reins of 2 equally powerful, beautiful horses who run w/perfectly matched paces & also respect me
“How is there a sink full of dirty dishes? I just washed them yesterday.”
—My 10-year-old learning a tough life lesson
So, I bought the Cucumber Mint lip balm from Burt’s Bees. I kinda love it and hate it too. What? Oh, yeah I want to report a murder.
Daughter: Daddy, I can’t sleep.
Me: *gets warm milk* How about now?
D: Nope
Me: *reads a book* How about now?
D: Nope
Me: *starts to sing*
D: *fake sleeps so I’ll stop*
Me: Man, I should have started with that.
If Natalie Portman dated Jacques Cousteau they would win celebrity couple nicknaming forever with “Portmanteau.”
I told my therapist I was afraid of spontaneously combusting, so she prescribed me an anti-inflammatory.
Husband: I’m going to turn off the gps and just drive
Me: Last words from the urban liberals as they drive into the rural mountains blasting classical music looking to get closer to nature from the comfort of their SUV before they’re chainsawed and cannibalized by the locals
My friend got stung by a jellyfish so I took a massive shit on his leg & he forgot all about the jellyfish.
Whatever, Batman. You may call it the Batcave, but that doesn’t change the fact you still live in your parents’ basement.
Not enough drugs in the world that would make me strip in front of a webcam. But a bottle of wine should do it.
captain: any leads in the diarrhea case
detective: nothing solid
Life is like a box of chocolates,
The good ones are always gone before I get there!
If it weren’t for bad decisions, I’d be pretty indecisive.
Revenge is a dish best served with revengetables.
Boss to our group: “Let’s talk about what inspires you. Mike, you go first.”
Me: *Goes home*
DR DOG: Please remove your shoes & step on the scale
PATIENT: Ok
DR DOG: I’ll be right back *carries the shoes out of the room in his mouth*
Why is the word prolific only used to describe serial killers. You never hear anyone say “He was the most prolific donut maker you’ve ever seen.”
I saw an owl. He stared at me and didn’t fly away. I stared at him and didn’t fly away either.
I use my teethbrush then go play feetball and commit arms robbery. Just giving you a head up.
– people with the right amount of body parts
I think the hot dog eating competition should award me extra points for not blinking during the event.
Who, you ask, turns the AC on during a polar vortex? Sociopaths, fascist dictators, my boyfriend.
I’m out here scooping up street salt and repurposing it to margaritas as God intended.
I’m trying to cut back on how much sense I make
The guy I was hooking up with said that he’s moving next week because I made him realize how much this town sucks.
I’m not sure how to take that. Am I proud of myself or offended?
Ever wonder why we call it a period and not that time of the paragraph?