I took a pole and found that 100% of people in the tent were angry.
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“I’ll just iron my clothes for work in the morning,” he thought in stupid bachelor.
so no one told you life was gonna be this way
My bank says my password isn’t strong enough. Did it ever stop and think that my password has a lot going on right now?
[kung fu fight]
“Your tiger claw is no match for my crane.”
*starts lifting heavy building materials*
(watching the Alien crawl around vents and slowly kill off my crew mates) I could fix him…
I got an email from Nigerian spinach.
My husband asked if I wanted to go on a hot air balloon ride but there’s just something about a flame & a wicker basket that makes me want to say no.
Please please please please please please please…
-me, flushing someone else’s toilet
Daughter: Mommy, what’s that thing in your drawer that goes buzz buzz?
Me:
Daughter:
Me:
Daughter:
Me: GO TO YOUR ROOM!
My husband cleaned the kitchen for the first time in years. He’s in the living room , dressed in a suit, waiting for the award ceremony to commence
god: *invents hammerhead shark*
nailhead shark: oh no
ME: stop whining before I give you something to whine about
KID: wut? WhAt U gOnNa Do?
ME: change the wi-fi password
KID: nonononono I’m sorry
This is an emergency!
*Begs to borrow strangers phone
*starts scrolling through pics
just a heads-up any of you wander onto my property and say “hi! i’m from twitter!” i’m turning on the sprinklers
Friends with benefits? What, like you can provide dental insurance?
Beers ranked:
1-First beer after work
2-Post yard work beer
3-Shower beer
4-Vacation beer
5-All other beer
Through the drive thru speaker: would you like to try the chicken club
Me: [ imagining chickens getting down on the dance floor ] hell yes I would
Kids today are lazy, I say to my son before telling Alexa to turn the light off I just walked past.
(head held low) mom said i cant join your gang
A remake of The Notebook called The iPad
<thud>
*shoe lands on sidewalk
*picks up shoe
*sees it’s my size
*looks up
*sees man stuck in tree
*sits
*waits for the other shoe to drop
-Can you describe the jellyfish that stung you?
-Yes, it looked like a lazy toddler tried to draw an octopus.
Scientology, because even Jehovah Witnesses need something to laugh at after a hard day of knocking on doors.
[shark tank]
ME: my idea is a length of leather with the entire bible text etched onto it—I call it the saving strap
HOST: have you considered the bible belt
ME: yes we predict good sales there
The chip dip i ate with a spoon may not have helped my weight loss, but the diarrhea it gave me sure did.
Cop: Lets go, boys, no meth in this house.
*zoom to fish tank*
Fish 1: *nods*
Fish 2: [taps on pirate ship] Resume cooking, Lenny.
*bubbles*
I dropped a whole bowl of Munchie Mix on the floor in case you’re wondering where the dogs got their newfound appreciation for my athletic prowess.
Old people may not know how to use a cell phone, but they sure can drive like they’re on one.
If my dad were alive today he would say, “Mark stop telling people I’m dead”