beauty fades, drunken texts at 2am are forever
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Not saying I deserve a gold medal in parenting, but it’s 4:47 PM and my 4yo just yelled “FINE THEN, I’M GOING TO BED!” So you be the judge.
Guy In France: yes may I please have an order of Here Fries
[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] what the heck
There’s no actual reason to believe that eating this entire bag of Doritos will make me feel better. That’s why it’s called faith.
Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family
Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.
Tom Cruise does all of his own stunts because death is the only way out of the Church of Scientology.
If I can’t pronounce your name after meeting you, you will from that point forward be addressed as “bro.”
Judge: you’re guilty of inventing the word ‘liarish’
Me: you can’t be seriousful
i hear the new batman movie is so long because there’s a scene where bruce wayne withdraws the entirety of his bank account but he asks for it all in ones and then counts it all while facing the camera
Ron Swanson with nurse:
Is there a history of mental health disorders in your family?
“I have an uncle who does yoga”
Before you cut the sleeves off your acid wash denim jacket, read the warning label about the associated risks of dying from too much sex.
My dog was outside barking like a maniac, so I opened the back door and screamed, “Jesus Christ! Get in the God damn house!”
Two minutes later, my husband came home and told me that our neighbors are having an Easter egg hunt…outside.
I guess I have to move now.
Norwegian stuntmen are like, “I HAVE TO CROSS THE FJORD,” and then they jump over the hjood.
It’s weird how obituaries state that someone was “survived” by, say, a son and daughter, as if the deceased hadn’t quite got round to murdering them.
Could you imagine being the Secret Service agent that blocked a bullet for Donald Trump, 20 years later? You wouldn’t tell anyone.
[pulls out acoustic guitar at a funeral]
alright everyone stop being all [finger quotes] sad this next 1 is dedicated to a very sexy widow.
thanks for your constructive criticism! i hated it and will be telling my mom about this
Told my kid I was going to check her room because she told me she cleaned it, and she negotiated a five minute head start in case she “missed something.”
Houdini, running out of ideas: Watch and marvel as I escape from this predatory timeshare contract!
I once survived an entire 5th grade dodgeball game without getting tagged and I’ve been chasing that high ever since.
I hide photos on my computer of me petting animals at the zoo in a file named FIREWORKS AND VACUUMS so my dog won’t find them.
Don’t go chasing waterfalls. Pretend to be disinterested. Wait several days to call the waterfalls back.
EXCITED INVENTOR: this is the best thimg since sliced bread!!!!!
SLICED BREAD: [anxiously smokig in the corner] i wish i was never invented
Hello lamppost, whatcha knowin’? I come to watc–
Lamppost: Nice scarf princess.
Forgot the word for flamingo earlier so I called it a karate turkey.
When I was 12 I found a document on our family computer with my name on it where my mom wrote that I was “witty, which can be irritating” like damn lady name that document taxes2001 or something.
If I were British I would carry around a monocle and drop it whenever I was horrified
Our youngest’s throat is so sore that she can’t talk, so we’re having her breathe on all the other kids.
You guys have made me afraid to pick up my son’s socks