“I’m not angry, just disappointed. You need to try harder. This is important! Do I make myself clear?”
“Sorry, sir. Here’s your ketchup.”
You Might Also Like
I look at beautiful girls the same way I look at traffic. Meaning that I’m stuck and going nowhere with them
Parenting is like being a dive bartender: people shout drink orders, you have to listen to their problems, and the place looks like a dump.
Me, mouthful of cicadas: WHAT?!
McDonalds CEO: your job is to entertain the children. what is your job?
Ronald McDonald: e-eat them?
McDonalds CEO: goddammit. shock him again
I shall have another coffee for I am sleeping standing
“Church of England Formally Approves Female Bishops”. Congratulations British women! You can now move diagonally!
the guy who came up with the name “eggnog” should get to name more things
Have you ever had to call the landlord to ask for some caulk? How would you word that?
I’m an ass man, myself. 100% ass. Made of ass & butts & that’s it. This thing that looks like a face? Ass. These fists? Little butts. Hi.
My wife is enjoying the attention I’ve been giving her lately & though painting a phone on her face is inconvenient, it’s saved our marriage
ME: what’s wrong girl?
LASSIE: *barking and pointing at baby that fell down a well*
ME: yes, babies ARE stupid
“Say no to Lindsay Lohan.” – drugs.
there are only two portion sizes for mashed potatoes: nowhere near enough (posh restaurants) or far, far too much (literally everyone else)
It’s as hard to defend Liverpool as it is for Liverpool to defend.
[mastercard commercial]
“there are some things that money can’t buy”politician: i don’t get it
I was fired from volunteering at the fire department. Apparently “wax the pole” means different things to different people.
What if aliens have already visited our planet, and made contact with the most intelligent species, and it’s just not us?
Every time a zombie sneezes, it loses 5 pounds in body parts.
ME: I quit texting and driving after the accident.
HER: Were you hurt?
[flashback to 12 hot dogs rolling off the dashboard]
ME: So hurt.
dracula is the original vampire, which means all other vampires are technically his kids. but has he ever paid child support?? dracula is nothing but a deadbeat dad, that’s why he can’t look at himself in the mirror, he’s too ashamed
No thanks, I’m not hungry right now. I’ll just wait until after you put it away and sit down. Then I’ll have some.
-kids
Person: “I hate geology puns.”
Me: “My sediments exactly.”
I don’t eat dessert for dinner nearly as much as I thought I would when I was 8
The old gods are rising again.
[i get back from the supermarket]
wife: did you forget about dre
me: nope
wife: did you remember the alamo
me: yep
wife: did you get the eggs
me: goddammit
[a pig opens the door for me]
Thank you, ha’am.
my daughter hones her survival instincts by forgoing the provided bowl and spreading goldfish crackers all over the house to forage & store
my nurse asked if i was born in the US and i said “no, i was born abroad” and then there was a long silence followed by her saying “can you please help me? i can’t find ‘Abroad’ on this list…” and showed me a drop down list of countries…
Melted butter is an essential oil, right?…..right??
This Xmas, remember there are people less fortunate than you. People who can’t sleep diagonal, people sharing a bed, people who are married.