never forget
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[Trump speaking at rally]
I love this country. I love America. I love singing the *looks at smudged writing on hand* Strawbangled Panther
I love that Amazon hires data scientists to figure out that based on my excessive paper towel purchase history I likely have two kids and a cat
ME: *gets down on one knee*
HER: omg
ME: *gets down on both knees* whoa these muscle relaxers are awesome
Shout out to all the animals that help Disney princesses get shit done.
I don’t know why I always end up behind the old lady who is trying to do a reverse mortgage on her home at the ATM.
We went on a family vacation and it was a terrible experience. It was all whining, complaining, and tantrums. And don’t get me started on what my kids did.
[During sex]
ME: Am I making you wet?
HER: Yes
ME: Sorry I’ll tone down the crying
BANK: Someone made fraudulent charges with your debit card
ME: Wait… how do you know it wasn’t me
BANK: They entered the PIN correctly on the first try
ME: Dear god
20 year old me)I’m going to be rich
30 year old me)I’m going to travel
40 year old me)I’m going to be a better person
50 year old me)I’m going to bed
Due to market uncertainty my wife asked if we should move around our money and I agreed.
I jiggled the change in my pocket.
If you ever get attacked by a shark, don’t forget to take a moment and appreciate the statistical improbability of it all.
I sprayed FeBreeze on the recliner and now my dog won’t talk to me.
The downside of having moles on my body is that my wife loves playing Whack-a-Mole.
I miss those two years in the nineties when instead of using sarcasm we’d just say the opposite of what we were thinking followed by “NOT”
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
10 y/o daughter says she wants a job like mine someday because I’m “important but not that important” and my life story finally has a title.
If I were God I’d tell everyone that I created the animals and that I don’t know what happened after that.
Boss: Staff meeting at 3:00.
Me: I can’t come, I’m allergic.
Boss: But we’re not serving food.
Me: … yeah now I really can’t come.
Should we just leave the door open for Santa since we don’t have a chimney?
-my kid who is about to get us burglarized
[arriving in hell]
me: i didn’t know i’d have to wear what i died in forever
satan: where did you even find denim underwear
I have decided to take a martial arts class to deal with the mall’s aggressive kiosk people.
I need to get my HR lady, mom and girlfriend together so they can more efficiently scrutinize my every move and thought.
Starbucks needs a separate line for people who say “um”
Some tattoo artists need to just say, “no, I’m not doing this shit.”
*Hands you a handbasket*
You know what to do…….
Upset that roe vs wade has nothing to do with how you navigate a lake.
Door-to-door Christian guy: Have you heard the greatest story ever told?
Me: Definitely. I love Star Wars.
Fridges are proof that it’s what’s inside that matters and not how you look like on the outside.
The Fast and the Furious.
– Me, not eating after 6:00 pm for my morning blood work 😠.
ME: Ha ha bro why is your wife named Purse Phone?
HADES: That isnt… thats not how you say it