[wedding]
The devil has been collecting souls for 200,000 years and still hasn’t found his soulmate, but *raises glass* I’m glad you found yours. Congrats Tina and John.
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Cop *knocking on door* open up it’s the police!
Me: it’s ok, I haven’t done any crimes
Cop: The fashion police
Me *kicking my crocs off* shit
If you meet a baby named “Doris”, it’s not polite to offer her a cigarette.
my 6yo: guys?……can i do anything i want with this brownie?
my husband and i: ………👀
6yo: like eat it with a potato chip?
*synchronized sigh of relief*
My phone died, so I was forced to “print” a physical copy of my boarding pass, just like The Wright Brothers used to in the olden days
How bold of you to assume I care, I tell my aloe plant who’s wife just cheated on him (allegedly).
me: psst, wanna see a dead body
nurse at my first surgery: no
Taking my roomba out back because I suspect it’s been reporting back to Bezos
I just learned to use Instagram, so you guys can all rest assured that it is officially no longer cool.
don’t ask me “what dat mouth do?” if you’re not prepared to hear it burp the alphabet.
Honestly, Officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over had I known you were just going to criticize me
Guys in the 90’s who got the barbed wire tattoo on their bicep, but only half goes halfway around your arm, you come up for air yet from the decades of drowning in pussy?
Would you get your phone if you dropped it in a toilet?
1996: eww that’s gross
2016: head first without thinking
Her: You’re a pathological liar!
Me: …and the King of Spain.
You don’t scare me. You’re not my mom saying, “I’m gonna tell your father” after she found out I broke the TV.
People who walk while looking at their phones and expect me to get out of the way… LOL.
I hate when people use words without knowing the meaning…gives me a huge hysterectomy on the side of my head.
honey it’s not what you think- we were planning your surprise funeral
[end of a date]
her: we should have dinner again
me: thanks but I’m full
CONFIRMED: Pete Davidson is now dating Sims 1 Bella Goth 🫢🫢
Do I have to put “parody” in my account because I’m not actually a sentient donut?
You think you have it rough? I’m playing hangman with a 6yo who can’t spell.
*Snowstorm on it’s way*
America – we need to stock up on bread and milk!
Canadians – better hit the beer store.
Withholding sex from you people isn’t working.
Take two chicken wings and call me in the morning.
I bought a middle-aged Barbie. She was supposed to come with glasses, but she set them down somewhere and hasn’t seen them since.
Death is often a good career move if you’re a poet.
Maybe the caveman who discovered fire was wearing corduroys and running late for a meeting.
Me: what number do you call if there’s an emergency?
3yo: 21 21
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERS
Me: you call 9 1 1
3yo: 21 21
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERS
Me: 9 1 1!
3yo: who you gonna call?
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERSEmergency training complete
I am officially old enough to have to put on glasses to find my pants
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: In a mirror! Well any reflective surface really, windows, shiny cars, puddles…