Her: Couldn’t you have picked a better record to beat?
Me: *covered in 13,000 bees* There’s no way this can end badly, Susan.
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respond to every april fools joke by staring the person directly in the eye and saying “yes, that truly was a fool’s joke”
Whenever I’m ordering takeout they ask if I need three sets of utensils and the answer is always obviously yes
*starts my own YouTube channel so my kids will listen to me.
HOT SINGLE GRANNIES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOU TO LOOK AT HOW TALL YOU’VE GOTTEN
[slice of bread going in and out of the toaster] omg, i’m gonna crumb!
Me: I think my computer’s broken
Boss: just give it to the IT guy
Me: okay *walks outside and tosses my laptop into the sewer* good luck
I refuse to pay all that money for CrossFit. If I want a man to scream at me in a garage, I can visit my dad
I have no idea how to clean a cheese grater. Usually I just end up grating a sponge
When I say the word ‘laboratory’ I quietly say it like a mad scientist in my head: la-bore-ra-tori
The red haired guy in the bakery
doesn’t like being called…
‘The Ginger Bread Man’*lesson learned
[arriving in hell]
devil: all the pringles you can eat, but only with a knife and fork *evil laugh*
me: *starts eating*
devil: wait, how?
[camping]
Her: *pointing* What’s that?
Me: Decoy bacon sammich. For bears
H: *tuts*
M: We’re safe as long as it’s there
H: Right…
*later – cut to me eating the sammich*
*later still – cut to me being mauled by a grizzly*
M: I get no pleasure saying this, but told you so
Satisfied that he had all the ingredients he needed, Phineas moved on to the next big question – how to get it into the dog’s food.
When I’m done eating… I have to show my hands to my cat like I’m a blackjack dealer
one time my dad walked in on me smoking an E cig and made me eat a whole pack of batteries
A smoke detector, but with voice recognition, that will turn off when you yell, “I’m just cooking”
There’s a reason the iPhone autocorrects “Yolo” to “tool.”
in my backyard: if I see even one bug I’m going inside
on a hike: I want to pet that bear
Alligators can survive for 2-3 years without eating. My personal record is 16 minutes.
Genie: You have 3 wishes.
I don’t want to run into spiderwebs anymore. That’s it…. I’m done. You can keep the other 2 wishes.
JUDGE: i sentence you to life in prison
MY LAWYER WHO IS A HOUSE FLY: nice that’s only like 11 days
Me, in my teens: This radio station is playing my jams.
Me, in my 20s: This bar is playing my jams.
Me, in my 30s: This grocery store is playing my jams.
curiouse george 2: 2 fast 2 curious
Date: Cat-callers disgust me.
Me: [hastily returning phone to pocket] Oh haha yeah me too.
My cat: *at home by the phone worried sick*
I asked my son to take the garbage out and he immediately tried to pick up his brother and boys are fun.
All these “make better choices” make me wonder if my parents are now running twitter
Every time someone tells you they are a vegan an angel eats a dog.
Christian Bale has done ok for himself considering he’s named after a religious bundle of hay.
[Prison visit]
Me: I finally have a date for my execution
GF: WHO IS SHE
“Apart from diet and exercise, anything else I should change, doctor?”
“Again, *wheeling me into surgery* the main thing is the bear fighting.”