I’m sorry if I looked interested. You probably caught me fantasizing about bacon.
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*Flat-Earther discussing laying the foundations to his new house*
Building contractor: It’s going to take a few weeks to get the ground level.
Flat-Earther: *eyes narrow*
sorry, standing outside your house with a sign that says “prom?” was probably a confusing way to ask u what prom means
I just sent a screen shot of my drunken tweets to my friends & they are still asking if I can come pick them up
(1:35pm) God: Yo Abraham
(1:37pm) Abe: sup
(1:38pm) God: Need u to kill ur son
(1:42pm) Abe: k(4:02pm) God: jk lol
(4:10pm) God: u there?
No one lies to themself more than the person that says they’ll do the dishes after they “relax for a little bit”.
Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops
Just for fun I’m putting these on windshields in parking lots all over the city on Valentines Day…
Househunters, but for birds
Bird 1: I’m looking for a spacious nest. Preferably made with shed mammal fur. Open concept.
Bird 2: & I’d really love a nest without snakes so our eggs won’t get eaten. Plus granite countertops
Bird 1: Our budget is a piece of tinfoil & a stick
*doctor administers experimental anti bad joke serum*
how do you feel?
“with my hands”
let’s give it a minute
My dog must think that the mailman just can’t take a hint
him: I’m gonna kill you
me: oh no
him: with kindness
me: awww
him: kindness is my pet wolf
me: oh no again
I asked my imaginary girlfriend, Delores, to change her name.
Tiptoeing would be much more fun if your toes made that tinkling sound like they do in cartoons.
*Corrects the grammar on your Christmas card and mails it back*
It’s like the people in this restroom don’t even want my help unbuttoning their pants.
STOP RUNNING AWAY I JUST WANT TO HELP YOU
Me: digging up to the surface for a bit
Worm Wife: why
Me: idk because I can sense that it’s raining?? How does this not interest you
Worm Wife: you’ll shrivel up you know…
Me: You’re crazy, it’s so wet out there 😂
Me: think I’m gonna crawl across the entire driveway 😳
Gluten-free, low salt, no sugar all-natural whole grain bread?
The only thing “natural” about this product is the urge to get away from it.
imagine when the stars that make orion’s belt die and his pants fall down
11: what do you mean I can’t have more sugar today? I only had 2 cinnamon rolls this morning and you had 3.
me: first off – get out of my house.
When my boss is mad and takes it out on me, I do less work.
Can’t reward bad behavior with a positive response.
Training works both ways
me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
idea for a movie:
a bear who is a parent
captures a psychotherapist
to cook as dinner for the cubs
and the movie is called
(and i’m very very sorry)
“kids, i honeyed the shrink”
*eats only grass-fed donuts
This is amazing.
Laughing far too much 🤣🤣🤣
We’re not supposed to bring snacks to meetings because they’re a distraction, but so far no one’s realized my mask is full of Doritos.
Nuff said? No seriously, what did Nuff say?
When I was a kid I got caught up among the wrong crowd, until my grandpa pulled me aside & said “Those aren’t your friends. That’s a hedge.”
My spirit animal is a cockroach because I refuse to give up and die.
Also I’m sorta crunchy.