co-worker: ok who put seafood in the microwave
me: oh sorry does my lobster smell
co-worker: no he’s pinching people
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*Secretly duct-tapes boomerang to the back of his car*
Him: *Drives away*
Me: *whispers* “yeah, you’ll be back.”
Why is there an eject button on the DVD remote? You still have to get up & take the disc out. It’s like having a remote to open the fridge.
Commercial for Twitter:
“Are you tired of arguing with people you actually know?”
it’s cool I can come out tonight my 11yo son gave me the go-ahead
Did you know that Mark Zuckerberg and the guy who played the blue Power Ranger are cousins? Just not to each other. But they are cousins.
The recipe I’m making specifically says “allow to cook undisturbed,” and yet my whole family is standing around in the kitchen
Sensei: always expect the unexpected *pulls out picnic blanket*
Me: *instantly pulls out picnic basket*
Sensei: *hands me ninja diploma*
And satan said “let all the opinions of strangers on social media have an absurdly large effect on you” and it was so
Husband: “How do the kids keep getting sick?”
Me: [picturing all the things the toddler licked last week] “No idea.”
I don’t have time to get to know you
Be cool immediately
They might as well put “Uhhh…” in front of every item on drive-thru menus.
Lionel Ritchie being British :
🎵 Hello!
Is it tea you’re looking for? 🎵
Me: if it’s a boy let’s call him Barry
Her: ok
Waiter: good evening
Me: good evening Barry
I stopped experimenting in bed after the great honey disaster of 2015.
Pretty much everyone I’ve ever met has told me to stop exaggerating
I have to leave in 5 minutes! Better get ready!
*Sits for aonther 10 minutes*
*Secretly hands your kid a Sharpie*
“So tell me more about that homemade all-natural organic cleanser.”
IT:have you deleted your cookies?
Me:yea the chocolate ones. There may be some raisin ones left
IT:is there somebody else I could talk to?
In the future the only two jobs left are Uber driver and escape room planner.
[pouring another round of shots for my dolls]
What do you mean isolated and unstable?
APOLLO: I’ll be god of the sun
HERMES: OK I’ll take light-
A: I’m also light
ARTEMIS: I’ll take music
A: No I’m also music. That’s me too
I put the whiskey in another room …
Exercise regimen established.
Friend: So, do you workout?
Me: OMG, have you SEEN my abs?!?
Friend: No
Me: Yeah, neither have I.
The baby daddies on 16 & Pregnant/Teen Mom should be used to test air bags.
When my burger was ready, the clerk called out “867?”
I yelled back 5309.
No one laughed.
I am old.
Them: ‘It’s a long story.’
Me: ‘How does it end?’
alien: [emerges from wrecked ufo] i need help
me: we got our own problems
I touch myself when I think of you.
It’s a facepalm, but I am thinking of you.
I bet the only thing more stressful than defusing a bomb is letting your husband pack for a big trip.
*sees a racoon in the neighbor’s trash*
I won’t say anything if you don’t.
*continues rummaging*