“I detest drama!” I declare with a flourish of my cape, and the back of my hand over my forehead.
You Might Also Like
[shark therapy]
“My girl dumped me & I haven’t eaten in days”There’s lots of fish in the sea
“Yeah but…actually that covers everything”
A Library is a good place to get in a fight with ur girlfriend cuz its the only place u can get away with saying “Shhh” w/out being murdered
A pregnant family member is looking for a old-fashion social security number. What is your social security number?
Let’s just call a cruise ship that’s sailing exclusively for married couples what it really is…….a battleship
This lesbian couple nailed their pregnancy announcement
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
If it ain’t broke, my children haven’t touched it yet.
Uh oh I planned two dates today thinking one of them would cancel and now I have to come up with a lie and quick
Toddler: *babbling nonsense*
Me: Ok, got it!
Narrator: But she did not “got it” And this would make the toddler very angry.
I started to cook breakfast and my 8yo hopped up to me and chirped, “I can make eggs.”
And then she did.
She made perfect scrabbled eggs.
How long has she been trolling me, sitting at the breakfast table pretending that she cannot even pour herself a drink?
My new neighbour is breaking the law by making noise every night after 11. Do I call the police for this or confront the newborn directly?
TURTLE: hey, you carry your house around too!
HERMIT CRAB: i do. where’d you find yours?
T: i was born with it
HC: *scoff* ok princess
No one sleeps with Gandalf because it takes him until first light on the fifth day to come.
Welcome to procrastinators club. The meeting will start eventually.
As if it weren’t bad enough being stuck inside this increasingly failing meat chassis, why’s the calcium scaffolding gotta be weakening too?
why do boys change into their football tops to just sit in front of the telly to watch the game ahahah a don’t stick a pair a fangs on when am watching the vampire diaries
what idiot decided to call it “the Iliad & the Odyssey” and not Troy Story and Troy Story 2
Someone said I was racist because I misspelled pico de gallo. It’s like they don’t even know I misspell English words also…
*puts on headphones
*cranks “Eye of the Tiger”
*downs energy drink
*laces up Nikes
*runs out into 13° weather
*runs back inside
*Naps
Me (sniffling, blubbering): and then he told me to give him my lunch money
Manager: Is this true
Waiter: I just gave him the check
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish
Pro tip:
Don’t go to knife fights. Then you never have to worry about what to bring.
Please don’t tell me about your childhood problems, this was my moms cars air conditioning growing up
ME: *unbuttoning shirt* Sorry, it’s hot in here and I’m really nervous.
INTERVIEWER: I understand but please stop unbuttoning my shirt.
[date]
ME: Tell me about yourself
HER: I love good listeners and Fred Astaire
ME: That’s weird
HER: What is?
ME: Being afraid of stairs
Doing math together is known as fourplay.
Sometimes, I feel like doing high five on their face
*lowers head
*breaks thru 5 tackles
*hurdles lineman
*runs 100 yards
*hamstrung at goal line
*dragged back to line of scrimmage-my wedding
Them: Ok we need to create good plastic packaging for cakes and cookies
Satan: MAKE IT REALLY LOUD
Christmas is great! You can sit on the lap of a total stranger and no one is offended.