Just threw a ghost boomerang. That’s gonna come back to haunt me.
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I have a date with a sexy, young doctor. Technically, it’s called an appointment. But whatever.
“you look nervous” thanks i’ve been practicing my whole life
My boyfriend said we can’t hang out this weekend because he doesn’t exist.
Nature documentarian (weeping): I know it’s against our non-interference policy, but we have to intervene and put this poor creature out of its misery. This is just cruel.
Me (holding 3rd bowl of cereal): What are you people doing in my apartment?
Chasing a chicken around the yard for 20 minutes is my Thursday morning or as my dog refers to it,”The greatest morning in the history of the earth.”
I watch people through binoculars as a hobby, but the cops call it a felony…
I never knew those were synonyms.
The person who pitched the puss in boots solo movie did so with ‘shrekless abandon.’
“Can’t Take My Eyes Off You” by Frankie Valli can come on and I’m all about it, singing that horn section and getting real loud I LOVE YOU BABY AND IF IT’S QUITE ALRIGHT I NEED YOU BABY.. u do that too don’t lie
I love how the cat trips me when I’m trying to refill his water bowl so that I get a water all over both of us, but then HE glares at ME.
I’m at my most daredevil when I sneak in the break room & steal all the good chocolate filled donuts..
Brought flowers home to wife.
Her: “I suppose I need to spread my legs now?”
Me: “Don’t we have a vase?”
That water trick was miraculous, but let’s see Jesus try walking on Legos.
me: *goes outside during the day* why is the moon is so spicy
Let’s name our sandwich shop after smelly trains.
Before the invention of the automobile, you had to put roller skates on your horse
Breaking news:
We avoided this particular disaster
Valentine’s Day tip for the men:
If you made dinner reservations call the restaurant and tell the host there’s an extra $20 for the bartenders if they card your wife.
You’re welcome
*cooking dinner*
Omg this smells SO good. The kids are gonna hate it.
i call soup dumplings “soup dumps” which was cute until i texted my friend “i forgot to send you a pic of my dumps”
I just put the crockpot on the counter.
Which is basically the Bat Signal for ✨starting tomorrow we’ll be eating the same thing for the next three days✨
YOU CAN’T BE BOTH A NAZI AND A PROUD AMERICAN.
WE LITERALLY HAD A WAR ABOUT THIS.
THE WHOLE WORLD WAS INVOLVED.
Wow, you forget to buy beer a few days in a row and suddenly your husband is offering to do the grocery shopping, my plan is working, guys.
Just walked up to a white van in the parking lot and it literally sped away.
*Blindfolds myself
*Rage eats candy
Hey weekend,
I love you more than you know!
I know I don’t deserve you, but trust me if you stay, I will spend all my procrastination on you to keep lying in my bed.
Love,
Your unconditional lover
My sister got a job as the assistant to an incompetent magician and now she’s my half sister
[if I was in horror movies, a thread]
jock: let’s split up
me: no
My alarm went off way too early today. I tried hitting the snooze button but as it turns out – my kid bites.
I was just discussing this with my cat
I’m awake but I object,