People who give you their attention only when they’re lonely or bored…
No thank you.
I already have a cat.
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me: the Kool-Aid man was basically a reverse vampire. he’d go into people’s houses uninvited and have them drink his blood
my therapist: again, it’s not technically wrong but I’m concerned you have diagrams
Take your husband’s last name. Take his first name. Take his social. Assume his identity. Hide the body in a closet. You’re the husband now.
Remember: no matter what anyone else thinks of you, it’s how you delude yourself that matters.
My husband is playing Super Mario Bros with our sons and one of them is having a MAJOR tantrum. Sadly, it’s my husband.
Be a sharp dressed man. Buy a suit made of knives. Scare ur boss into promoting u. Cut everyone’s sandwiches for them in the break room.
I just tried to “Like” an email so I didn’t have to reply to it
[unzips fannypack filled with jellybeans and some fall out]
Dammit
[bends over to pick them up and the rest spill out]
DAMMIT
*wrapping up business meeting with Kellogg’s*
Kellogg’s Exec: Great work. You’ve given us so many new ideas for cereals. We’ll totally pay you for this.
Me: No you won’t. I know all your…Trix.
Kellogg’s Exec: That’s General Mills.
Me: Leave the military out of this.
My sister borrowed my favorite shirt without asking again, so I changed her Facebook profile picture to a positive Clearblue pregnancy test.
But have you tried acting like a cicada and screaming nonstop until someone has sex with you?
my cat: *hacking up a hairball*
my german neighbor: holy shit that cat is talking
Like most parents, I live in fear of the day I have to explain PRETTY WOMAN to my daughter.
When you turn 50, they change the lightbulb in your fridge to that memory eraser from Men in Black
My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up at 3 AM to let her know that I couldn’t sleep.
*pulls lighter from bra*
*lights smoke*Where’s the shit you made me at school?
Peregrine falcons: Attack from above. Prey on smaller birds. Silent. Cowards.
Geese: Will land in front of a full grown man. Hiss and honk to let you know battle has commenced. Audible boss music. Brave.
I killed an hour today. The other measurements of time are terrified of me now.
Gonna say don’t look a gift horse in any orifice
“So how did you two meet?”
“Unfortunately.”
Ignorance is not bliss. It’s just a fancy word for stupid.
DIRECTOR: it’s-a me, Mario!
CHRIS PRATT: it is me, Mario.
DIRECTOR: it’s-a me, Mario!
CHRIS PRATT: it is me, Mario.
DIRECTOR: IT’S-A ME, MARIO!
CHRIS PRATT: IT IS ME, MARIO
DIRECTOR: … better.
[Murderer chasing me]
Murderer: YOU’VE DROPPED YOUR WALLET
Me: oh, I thought you wanted to kill me
Murderer: *ruffles my hair* I’m a murderer, not a thief! *starts stabbing me*
*loses faith in humanity*
“this is the type of problem that can only be solved by 13 photos of unlikely animal friendships”
Writing tip: Give your characters different names. If all your characters are named “Nathan”, readers will become confused.
Facebook memories be like
*holds out bucket of fried chicken to passing marathon runners*
canning is fun because if you get all the steps exactly right you get to eat very old cucumbers and if you get the steps even the littlest bit wrong you get to die of botulism
Someone asked me what role I would play in a zombie apocalypse and I’d love to say I’d be some heroic zombie slayer but in my heart I know I’m the guy who gets bit and lies to everyone about it
Get yourself a girl who can help you destroy evidence and lie under oath.
Me: *about to go into a meeting*
My anxiety: you pronounce “template” weird