WIFE: He makes everything into a wood pun
ME: This couch has such great lumber support
WIFE: See??
THERAPIST: Try to stop
ME: Oakey dokey
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Anyone who expects to feel safe in a driverless car has never owned a printer.
Math teacher; suppose you have five friends
Me:
I gave up trying to get this sport bra off. It’s a hat now
[in the bedroom]
Husband: Close your eyes. I’m going to do something you’re really going to enjoy.
Me: Okay.
H: *takes the kids and leaves for the day*
Me: *rubbing bread on a dog*
Friend: When I said pet with the grain
About to shave my legs let me know if anyone is interested in buying extensions
*Stands in wood & sets self on fire*
“OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING?”
I want to look hot on tinder.
getting corrected
Ever notice most Ford names are more fun to say when you put “anal” in front of them?
Probe, Explorer, Excersion, Ranger…
I had my demons exercised and they became quite large and intimidating demons, so I guess spelling is nine tenths of the law of possession.
No thanks, Trix cereal. I have enough drama in my life without a rabbit trying to steal my breakfast.
The year 2932, lines for the new iPhone are so long, many die before reaching the end. Those who do, get back in line for the next phone.
guy who came to check out what’s making noises in my attic told me it’s “one of the creepiest attics [he’s] ever seen.” not something you want to hear from a person whose job involves seeing a lot of attics
One of my co-workers just called the elevator a “vator”. Anyways, long story short, this is my one phone call…
Welcome to my home. There are 43 night lights just in case you’d like to wander the house at 3am.
‘Your legs, your thighs, they got me hypnotized’
~me talking to my KFC
Can’t blame Waldo for hiding. Imagine if some dude just starting writing books encouraging people to find you.
cyclists
the helium shortage is only being made worse by inflation
The reason I switched from a backpack to a messenger bag is so that I look more classy and professional carrying nothing but snacks to work.
I get my eyes from my Dad & the ability to find something wrong with almost anything from my Mom
On a scale of 1 to ‘Maxi pad with wings’
How self-absorbed are you?
I think I finally found your G-Spot. It’s been in my wallet the whole time.
Me: I picked out a pricy rock I think you’ll like
Her: You mean you’re finally going to propose to me?
M: I was talking about your headstone
I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.
“Judy, if I don’t survive this vicious goose attack, always know that I loved you”
“my name is Denise”
[interview]
Ok, don’t let them know you’re naked
“Why are you naked?”
dammit
Me: Can you think of anything else I should add to the cart?
Husband: Nope. You’ve got it all.
Me: <send>
Husband: Oh, you know what else we could use —
Funny because it’s true. 🤣
Remember don’t judge, you never know what another person is going through
Unless they’re constantly oversharing on Facebook, then go ahead