If you’re angry at somebody and subtweeting them and it’s not me please add “Not you Jim.” at the end. Thank you.
You Might Also Like
I’m told I look very good for a man twice my age.
Me: It appears our thoughts have verbally crossed streams once again
Friend: why can’t you just say jinx?
Be careful who you piss off around here because some people use caps lock
Me: *sitting naked on the exam table*
Doctor: Ma’am, that’s my desk.
Me: What?
Doctor: Are you ready for your hearing test?
wife: What can you make with rum?
me: A baby
wife
me: I’m not allowed to say things anymore am I?
When I get naked in the bathroom, the shower usually gets turned on.
Welcome to marriage. He had a dream I made salmon pot roast and woke me up just to tell me how terrible it was.
Good news: It works the other way around.
I entered “internal bleeding” & “unconscious” in WebMD and it said I have a stuffy nose.
Phew.
Sometimes I tell myself that everything that I’ve been through in life is totally worth it. Then I laugh hysterically.
The wind kept blowing an old Burger King wrapper at my feet for over half a block
I know a sign from God when I see one
Wife: I’m going to grab some dinner, you want anything?
Me: No thanks, I’m stuffed.
Wife: Ok, I’m going to Taco…
Me: I’ll have 9 tacos.
Welcome to Alzheimer’s Club
I see a lot of new faces today
When I die I want to be cremated and blown in the faces of my enemies
*sewing*
A thread
Devil: Welcome to Hell. Do you know why you’re here?
Me: Um…
D: Seriously?
M: …
D: Arianna, you told your kids they couldn’t have brownie dough because it would give them salmonella and then you ate that shit with your hands after they left.
M: AND ID DO IT AGAIN
My parents are 75 and 84. My son & I do frequent drive-by visits to make sure they have what they need. Today, I guess they needed to party.
They say “keep your friends close and your enemies closer” so if I offer you a piggyback ride just know we have beef
Husband confiscated my credit card last week. The news just said that Amazon stock is down.
THIS IS ALL HIS FAULT.
[Halloween]
Lady: what are you this this year?
Me: *dressed as a phone battery meter* I’m at 10% and it’s only 7pm.
Lady: *faints*
i made my dad a beetloaf and he tried to run me over with his van
‘our sage died’ , my wife calls from the garden
‘ok, well, ok’ I say after a desperate mindscroll to be sure we have no children, pets, friends, parents, cousins called Sage
My youngest is being tested for the gifted program at his elementary school and my other son thinks his toothbrush is haunted.
My son, sleepwalking, came into my room and said “Can you get the trash out of my bed?” So I went to his room and showed him there’s no trash and he said, exasperated, “Why would there be trash in my bed?” then laid down and went back to sleep.
That about sums up motherhood.
[repeating myself louder in the haunted house attraction] did the dracula throw water on anyone else’s pants??
[spooky noise comes from my closet]
monster under my bed: you heard that too right
Whoa whoa whoa… I was stalking her first buddy…
When spiders see you left a pair of shoes in the garage
A customer just told me that it takes a 14 mile run to work off 1 Oreo. Don’t worry she’s dead now
Going back in time, y’all need anything?
I experienced this today. I decided I’m a genius. 😂