This is the scale that I will be using for everything from now on.
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i kept all our old baby gates to make sure no new babies got IN the house.
Tiime isn’t on my side, it’s on my face, wrinkling my forehead.
Me: who’s a good dog? who’s a good dog?
Dog: i have a boyfriend
Filmmaker: “I made a documentary.”
Netflix Exec: “Great. How much footage do you have?”
Filmmaker: “About 15 minutes.”
Netflix Exec: “Sold. We’ll release it as four 1-hour episodes.”
me: I really can’t stay
him: but, baby it’s-
me: *tail lights*
How can a cemetery raise its burial charges and blame it on the cost of living?
As seen on Reddit: “Tradition is just peer pressure from dead people”.
Discuss.
Why did the skeleton go to the barbecue?
To get another rib.
Torn right now about whether I want to learn Mastodon or just start guessing everyone’s email address.
Couples therapist: so what’s the main issue
Henry VIII: she doesn’t support my goals
Therapist: for example?
Henry VIII: well I just want to kill her and marry someone else, I mean why is she like this
What happens if you fight a dinosaur?
You get Jurasskicked!
the sequel to “Up” should be called “Up 2: No Good” who do I tell this to
so apparently if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but donate 9 kidneys and people get very upset
He can talk about his favourite Indian flatbread, naan-stop.
Blood was spilled, curses were uttered, tears were shed, muscles were sprained and dowlings were thrown away, but an IKEA shelf was born.
If you’re not happy single, you won’t be happy in a relationship. True happiness comes from watching a seagull shoplift snacks from a convenience store, not from another person.
When someone has a question at the end of the Friday afternoon meeting
squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”
where it all went wrong:
“of course i know where we’re going”
Unfortunately she wasn’t even looking when I was pulling off those sweet moves on the trampoline.
I’ve added lunges to my workout routine. It’s a big step forward.
Power went out in the house so the family and I sat on the couch and talked.
We learned we actually have stuff in common. Like, we all hate that the power was out.
(Person choking)
Heimlich: Would it help if I gave you a hug?
Good morning to everyone except the parent in my 6yo’s class who paid out ten dollars as the tooth fairy.
When did the tooth fairy stop leaving four shiny quarters per tooth? In the same glass the tooth was in? I’m not busting into my kid’s college fund to hire an event coordinator and pay an imaginary glitter witch to be invisible for five minutes.
I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.
Me: time to sleep
Brain: You have zero skills that would be useful in an apocalypse so when they start to ration food supplies, people will eat you
Seek kebab; not attention
She said “you’re dead to me” but I suspect she’s planning to make me dead to everyone else as well
Biden: I wonder if I’ll still get free ice cream when I’m no longer VP
Obama: Joe, we have bigger problems.
Biden:
Not enough things are decided by potato sack races anymore.