Just got ejected from my son’s little league game for arguing with the ump. I didn’t really care about the call, I just got bored and needed an excuse to leave.
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My wife and I have agreed on a trial separation.
The kids aren’t to keen, but my wife and I just don’t want them anymore.
Guess when toothpaste was invented? 1892. Guess when kissing was invented? A DISGUSTINGLY LONG TIME BEFORE THAT.
Lost in a corn maze? Light it on fire. Turn it into a popcorn maze. Eat your way out.
dating after 40 is like riding a bike uphill through a blazing inferno with flat tires.
Omg, do you mind? I’m busy. This dinner isn’t going to peel back plastic, stir and add 3 minutes to itself.
water solves a lot of problems.
want to lose weight? drink more water
having a bad day? take a shower
tired of someone’s bullshit? drown them
Yes, your honor, he was running from me in a threatening manner. I was in fear of my life.
Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will destroy the ecological balance.
Get your shit together, people at McDonald’s drive thru who sit there all confused like the menu hasn’t been the same for the last 50 years
mom: Do you need us to bring anything tomorrow?
me: Pumpkin pie
mom: Anything else?
me: Turkey
mom
me: Stuffing
mom
me: Plates
I get more sympathy when I say that I don’t have a Costco near me than when I say someone died
Maybe I need to quit questioning my parenting and start questioning my children’s childing.
One of my 4 nephews just brought me wine and said, “Here’s your Christmas juice,” and now he’s the one I’m leaving everything to.
So when you say R.I.P. To a dearly departed you are basically saying hey no zombie or walking dead stuff ??
Neighbours kids just challenged me to a water fight.
I’m just tweeting while I wait for the kettle to boil.
Mall security asked me to empty my pockets.
My response was “you won’t find a better job or respect in my pockets”
Lowe’s banned me for yelling “From the windows! To the walls! To the sweat drop down my balls!”, as I explained how much carpet I needed.
If you removed every blade from a 747’s engines and laid them end to end, you’d go to prison for rendering useless a $357 million aircraft.
Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.
I have a special place in my heart. For blood and vessels and stuff.
My kids may not be the most polite or well behaved, but they’re also not the most helpful
It’s OK, The Phantom Menace. I also came out in 1999 and am a bit disappointing
There’s “disappointment” and then there’s “Waiter walking past my table with food I thought was mine disappointment”
Goodnight stars. Goodnight air. Goodnight 30-50 feral hogs everywhere
My boss just choked on a breath mint. It was a tough decision to do the Heimlich maneuver because he really needed that mint.
“Are you mad at me?”
No. Why? Should I be?? Did you do something??? WHAT DID YOU DO????
Why wait til you own a boat? name your fridge
Yes of course the covid exposure notices are scary, but nothing shakes me to the core like an old fashioned classroom head lice letter.
DAUGHTER: can I have a snack?
ME: [clearly making dinner] no, I’m making dinner right now.
DAUGHTER: but I’m hungry!!
ME:
I love ordering from Panera because it’s always a surprise. Am I going to get the spinach-egg white-avocado sandwich I ordered, or perhaps a steak and egg bagel? Maybe a lovely tomato soup for breakfast? It’s like a don’t-pick-your-own adventure!