Bought $200 sunglasses.
Lost them in 15 minutes.Bought Walmart sunglasses.
Had them for 238 years.
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forgive me baja for i have blast
Please do not compare your dog problems to parenting. Your dog cannot say your name 3,258 times in a day.
Always a bridesmaid never a vengeful ghost in a glowing fog.
the funniest historical moment was when achilles’ mom, knowing that dunking him in the river styx would make him invulnerable, didn’t take an extra 2 seconds to dip his heel in to make sure he was 100% covered. just the laziest shit ever
It makes me feel sick that i come from such a long line of hypochondriacs.
me: how bad is it
dr: nothing that can’t be fixed with some mild dietary restrictions and moderate exercise
[later]
wife: what did the doctor say
me: linda….i’m dying
We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they’re not.
Ever look at your frequently used emojis and realize that your two moods are drunk and circus tents?
Going out with a girl who works in cyber security next week so I’m gonna print out all my passwords and ask what she thinks
Turns out it wasn’t vertigo causing me to run into things, it was vodka.
[trying to impress date]
Him: I want someone who’s not afraid of a little PDA.
Me: *keys I WANT THE SEX into the side of his car*
Her: so you’re a teacher? What do you teach?
Me *nervous*: children
*E=mcHammer
*when E is a constant variable that can’t be touched
hid some cash in the house for emergencies and now I can’t find it
Flight attendant: “will you perform exit row duties in the event of an emergency?”
Me: “yes”
In my head: “No we’re all gonna die”
Him [sexy voice]: let’s do it on the couch
Me: ew babe no that’s where we eat
My daughter and I decided to play Monopoly, and we’ve been arguing about the rules for the last hour.
when your spouse’s phone rings & they go to the other room to answer it
[first day as co-pilot]
ME: Okay folks we’re going down
PILOT: [leaning over to unplug my headset] Good effort but it’s “we’ve started our descent”
PASSENGERS: [just losing their shit]
I get it, mayonnaise. I am also disgusting yet liked by many.
Don’t be afraid to start over. I’m now on my third body.
[if i was president]
“mr president, is it true you thought navy seals were actual seals that can drive a boat”
this press conference is over
Me: I must be out of my mind.
Me: You and me both.
Father in law: How are you preparing for the future?
Me: I buy Monopoly games in case one day Monopoly money becomes legal tender.
sex is great & all.. but have you ever successfully poured liquid from one cup into another WITHOUT spilling it?
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hooray it’s herpes
smile, you’re diabetic
depression for dummies
-Sir we found hot glue in her ears nose and mouth, seems she suffocated.
-Well whoever did this must be pretty….crafty.
-Go to hell sir.
My iPhone does NOT rule my life.
Battery – Don’t worry, Siri. I got this.
STOP HONKING! IF I DRIVE ANY FASTER THE TINY LIZARD THAT HITCHED A RIDE ON MY HOOD IS GONNA FALL TO HIS DEATH. HAVE SOME COMPASSION, PEOPLE.
hot tip: to avoid writing bugs, don’t write software