“Because of the number of nerve endings, a hangnail is among the most painful things a human can experience.” but the nurse completely ignored me and rudely continued telling my wife to push through the contractions.
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Human *builds first house*
House fly: finally
I was raised Catholic. I know all the rules. And I broke most of them. 😈
if the neighbor kid is driving you nuts practicing saxophone you can complain or teach her Careless Whisper – maybe be a problem solver
boss: david, you’re fired
me: *just got a haircut* is that alllllll you have to say to me 🙂
Iceland has a population smaller than Tampa yet we let them sit there at the UN all smug. Always bragging about how they have cured their society of like IBS and it turns out the one guy who had it just moved away.
Annie: I feel weird
Michael Jackson: I have the best idea for a song
me: *popping balloons*
kid: you’re mean
me: do YOU want to smuggle the heroin
George H.W. Bush, age 90, went skydiving yesterday.
I’m 45 & I strained my hamstring getting out of my car.
corona got the club empty asf me and the DJ just chillin listening to frank ocean with the strobe lights goin rn
That’s disgusting! Where did you learn to do that?! Don’t wipe boogers on Mommy’s pillow!
Wipe it on Daddy’s
[45 minutes into Charlie and the Chocolate Factory]
7 year old: how does he still have a job?
Whenever I see someone with spider web tattoos on their elbows I spray them with Raid and attempt to flush them down the toilet.
people in the Bronze Age actually lived far more luxurious lives than our own. Archaeological evidence indicates that they had vases with octopuses on them. do you have that? didnt think so
One cool thing about being 33 is that people who are 50 think you might as well be 22 and people who are 22 think you might as well be 50
I picked the wrong year to stop drinking.
– a Memoir
I can’t stop fantasizing about gently, lovingly braiding a squid
I’d pay someone to push me out of pictures when I’m drunk.
Getting my hair done Monday.
Good news for the kids who scream “WITCH” as they pass by my house, bad news for the birds that live in it.
The best coffee is outside my house but the best no bra is inside my house so you see my dilemma
In nature, bright colours are warnings of venom. Therefore, carrots are poison
Weird that humans evolved shins long before we’d need to find furniture in the dark
Sure kids are great but have you tried sleep?
Doctor: And how many partners have you had?
Danny Ocean: It varies by movie.
No, of course I’m not mad.
It’s fine.
*goes home, starts building a Death Star.
Friend: What’s it like living in a large family?
Me: It’s like the tv show Survivor except we’re all related.
The 70’s called. They built a time phone.
If I knew I was going to have to homeschool my kids, I would have made sure my husband used a condom.
I haven’t talked to my sons for a few days so I changed the Hulu, Netflix and Amazon passwords. I heard from all 3 of them within 20 minutes.
I just clipped my little toe on patio furniture. Prayers needed for my husband who rearranged everything without telling me.
CENTAUR: My dad slept with a horse
MINOTAUR: My mum slept with a bull
PIGOTAUR: My dad was Prime Minister.