13: *walking into room*
Me: (on phone, talking about types of tomato plants) I like big boys. I’ve had good luck with them in the past.
13: *makes horrified face, turns, walks back out*
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me: what makes you angry
pirate: when someone steals my p
Accidentally bought a left-handed bottle of shampoo and now I have to shower facing the other direction.
“Ok, guys, before you start calling me a pervert, let me just say I found a great source of protein.” — The first guy who ever milked a cow.
Saturday
i came here to try to be funny, but instead, i’ve made a lot of friends. i count that as a massive failure
Genie: You have three wi–
Me: [trying to stuff him back into his container because I didn’t want to talk to anyone today]
“I can hear my annoying neighbor crying to Adele’s new song as she throws away her empty, clinking beer bottles.”
– my neighbor
Saw Satan was trending and was worried that he died…
Once I get my tourettes under control, it’s over for you twitches
“Do you expect me to talk?” He asks.
“No, Mr Bond.” I reply, loading Titanic into the Blu Ray player, “I expect you to cry.”
If you apologize and someone says “you’re fine” they want to kill you
Show your neighbor they shouldn’t park their boat outside of their house by filling it with two of every animal.
Whoever gets the gift from me that has scissors under the wrapping paper, I’m going to need those back.
My 5 yo lost her first tooth and wanted to bring her tooth fairy swag to school to flex on her friends. This included the white “fairy dust” (baking soda). So, I sent my kid into preschool with a little bag of white powder for show and tell. Follow me for more parenting tips.
is nasa ok
I sleep with a bat under my bed in case someone breaks in and wants to learn about echolocation
[ riding into battle ]
YOU GUYS BETTER NOT HURT MY HORSEY
JELLYFISH: *to friend* Want to see something disgusting? Watch this.
*stings person*
FRIEND: That wasn’t dis…
JELLYFISH: Wait a minute.
Elliott didn’t care about E.T. He just wanted a flying bike.
3 has started saying “actually,” so now I have a tiny reply guy following me around all day
Sure Italian food is expensive but I think it’s worth every penne
Who called it a hot dog rolling grill and not a roller toaster
Never bring your fists to a knife fight. Never bring a knife to a gun fight. And whatever you do, stay far, far away from a fight between two geese.
a badder mouse
Help your friends diet by replacing the light in their fridge with an air horn.
[before calculus was invented]
me: I understand everything
You scream, we all scream, I apologize for entering the womens bathroom.
What did the boy with no hands get for christmas?
Gloves!
Just kidding, I don’t know what he got. He hasn’t opened it yet.