Wife: I am angry with you.
Husband: Again or Still ?
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My 10 yo is talking to me past 9 pm. Why is he attacking me like this?
Ouiji boards are a little less intimidating knowing they’re from Hasbro.
my girlfriend and i are on a little road trip and she’s driving, which means it’s my job to look out the window and periodically say “horsies” or “cows”
Mark Zuckerberg says he wears a grey t-shirt everyday because he doesn’t want to waste time on things that don’t matter.
He runs Facebook.
that little alien would be worth a lot more if it was in the original box, always keep the box for stuff like that
My wife found a spider in the shower.
Anyway, the open house is this Saturday if you’re interested.
Me: what I’m saying is I don’t just hungry hippos you. I hungry hungry hippos you.
Priest [whispering to bride]: it’s not too late to do the traditional vows
My ex was a true professional.she said “you are fired” when we broke up.
HER: You almost ready to go to my mothers?
ME: *looking out window wondering if the jump will only break a leg & not kill me* Be right down.
You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not a bowl of mashed potatoes.
The hunt for apples and oranges on tinder was the biggest disaster of my life. Mission failed: we’ll get em next time.
They should sell edibles at the airport with the slogan “make every flight a red eye”. This would make approximately 600 billion dollars
they should invent a romcom where no one has to overhear anything that leads to a huge unnecessary misunderstanding
While not illegal, it is generally frowned upon to follow behind someone and play your travel harmonica synced to their footsteps.
@knotta_tardfan’s account is temporarily unavailable because it violates the Twitter Media Policy. Learn more.
*being born
my mom: oh SHIT
my dad: OH shit
me: OH SHIT
If I had a cool name like AL Gore, I would make horror films.
“Hey can I do it?”
Anaesthetist: sure, knock yourself out
It takes two months to get fat and two years to get in shape.
Science is a lie.
Yachts are for rich people who always thought waterbeds were cool.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of relaxing during weeknights we can go to seven practices and relearn algebra.
“The truth has finally been revealed” around the world:
5. The cat is out of the bag (English)
4. The bunny is out of the hat (Czech)
3. The pigeon falls out of your mouth (Romanian)
2. The turtle’s feet have appeared (Taiwanese)
1. Now the monkey comes out of the sleeve (Dutch)
*me, getting murdered*
Wife: Could you at least let him take out the garbage first?
[Walking around the office]
*Sees nosepicker*
*Hears burper*
*Smells gas*Boss: What are you doing?
Calculating the…”Gross Margin.”
Me: I’d like a raspberry margarita.
Waitress: Do you want sugar on your rim?
Me:
Waitress:
Me: [looking nervously at my wife]
Wife: OMG SHE IS TALKING ABOUT THE DRINK
I waitress because if I don’t get screamed at twice a day about condiments, I don’t feel like I have put in an honest days work.
I started this account 7 years ago today. I just want to thank all of you for reading my stuff and never showing up to my house.
Me: *listening to the puppy drink water in the next room* you’re creating urine. Please stop
Twitter is like Words With Sociopaths.
I’m not a racist. Racism is a crime and crime is for black people.