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I don’t understand people who do things on weekends. You just did things all week. What’s next, more things?? That’s how they get you
How do you know when you are too drunk to drive?
When you swerve to miss a tree and then realise it was your air freshener..
What do you call a chicken-proofed garden?
Impeccable.
Make friends at the park by telling strangers that you died in this exact spot 200 years ago today
her: I don’t usually attend funerals because everyone cries so much
me: *points at coffin* well not everyone
*having an out of body experience* WEIGH ME NOW
[debate]
ME: i think you’ll find that the point is moat
OPPONENT: i believe you mean the point is moot
ME: [raising my drawbridge] i do not
The new guy at work has been getting a lot of customer complaints lately.
Probably because I wear his name tag when he’s not there.
ALIEN: take me to ur leader
ME: ok
[later at zoo]
A: wtf
M: a lemur
A: I said leader
M: well ur ship is so loud I couldn’t hear a damn thing
It doesn’t matter how old you get, buying snacks for a road trip should always look like an unsupervised 9-year-old was given $100.
Ughhhh my neck is killing me ..
*how I slept
I’m so glad my kids have a 3-day weekend because that means I get an extra day of listening to them yell at Fortnite.
She said she was a cat person…
…but the way she reacted when I pushed her off the bed told a very different story.
Wife: You put the wrong date on this.
Me: Oh, yeah. The year change always messes me up.
Wife: You wrote 1992.
[First Date]
Sorry for the mess. My mother said pudding on a condom was important.
You kids are lucky with your selfies, back in my day we had 27 blind attempts, a 24 hour waiting period and a $15 investment
they’re called hooves, dummy🙄
Leonardo DiCaprio playing me in the movie of my life, but in the scene where I’m watching Titanic, it’s me playing him.
Plot twist. When giving birth, women can finally understand how it feels like for a man to have a headache.
One cool thing about being 33 is that people who are 50 think you might as well be 22 and people who are 22 think you might as well be 50
Just try to look at your shoes the same way ever again,your welcome.
“Is it better to be feared, or to be loved?” Cats chose both, and they’re doing fine
“My husband’s a talented voice actor & his brother’s a makeup artist but nah this old lady is a different person” -the mom in Mrs. Doubtfire
Friend teaching me how to flirt: You have to lick your lips just a little, make it look sexy.
Me: Like this?
Friend: No, not like that
Me: How about now?
Friend: Please stop
Me:
[first date]
Date: I like bad boys, and sensitive guys
Me: [slowly uncovers Golden Girls tattoo]
“You get a Bible! You get a Bible! You get a Bible! You all get Biibbbllleess!!!!
~Poprah
Good Cop: If you confess now, you’ll probably just get probation.
Fad Cop: Hey Macarena!
I just did a google search for “Gender reveal gone wrong” and great googly moogly.
More than one family in Florida has incorporated alligators into their gender reveal nonsense. MORE THAN ONE.
And a car in Australia exploded over the summer.
So cis people are super normal