Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.
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Just once I want to wake up to something exciting.
*Wakes up next to spider crawling on pillow.
Show her how romantic you are by sprinkling body parts in a trail leading to the bed.
[First date]
Him: Can you pass the-
SOMETIMES WHEN I SLEEP ON MY STOMACH MY CAT LIES ON MY BACK LIKE A TINY SURFER
Person 1: You should do Yoga.
Person 2: Why would I ever do that little green guy from Star Wars? He’s not sexy at all.
Person 3: She means the picnic basket stealing bear, idiot.
I hate the word Fiancée. Why do i have to speak french just because youre getting married
I’m having a garage sale & hope people I’ve borrowed things from don’t come.
Fish look like they’re constantly being surprised by something.
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first.
afraid of taking two toddlers on an outing alone? take the single seat stroller thereby assuring the kids will fight relentlessly over it and forget about running off. follow me for more dashing parenting tips
Can scientists please stop calculating pi to a million decimal places and instead get working on an instant hangover cure.
Welcome to our chain hotel, breakfast is served from three in the morning until two minutes after you first start feeling hungry
Pouring a bucket of white marbles into the hippo pen will result in a lifetime ban from the zoo no matter how hungry they looked.
[watching Ratatouille]
me: I think I could do thather: be a chef?
me: be manipulated by an animal
Me:”The store didn’t have any bread so I brought flour”
Wife:”If they didn’t have butter would you buy a cow”
*sound of hooves in kitchen*
“I don’t think being an only child affected me at all.”
I say, as I straighten my tiara, whilst eating the last cookie.
Just heard that May is mental health month. Where do I go to pick up my supply?
Interestingly, if we invade North Korea because it caused us to miss a movie, that still won’t be the worst reason we ever went to war.
[ER: Goth Unit]
Nurse: Doctor, the patient is starting to smile
Doctor: God damnit NOT ON MY WATCH I WANT 500 CCS OF JOY DIVISION NOW
[the wolf who ate Little Red Riding Hood and her Grandma scrolling twitter] there are two humans inside me lmfao
What even happened today?
Julian Assange became a role model for hackers worldwide by crashing at a friend’s place indefinitely & never paying his share of any bills.
If birds started attacking me I’d just hold up a window and let them fly into it
Omg what if Nate was short for Nathryn
Then it should stop looking so damn comfortable
OK, THAT’S IT! [angrily slams newspaper down on table] I am DONE with the Family Circus!
Age is just a number, like 100 hours of Community Service.
I swear some people should be banned from cooking
Me: hey squirrel, dnt steal d pigeon’s food, the eggs are about to hatch
S: u stole a cake frm ur roomate
Me:
Me: here, take the eggs too
My son’s favorite meal is what he calls ‘mommy toast’ which is when I make him toast but I have to pretend it’s for me and he steals it off my plate
2020 is like your cat offering to “help” with your jigsaw puzzle.