Me, scrolling to find my birth year
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Me : Here, I made you a ‘Best Hits of 2017’ CD.
Wife : This is an unopened blank CD-R.
Me : Correct.
Fun prank:
Tell an English major how “impactful” something is.
When you let your mom cut your hair and she tells you what a handsome young man you are
*Hanging upside down with my arms folded across my chest* You’d better put that toilet seat down when you’re done!
Parenting is being woken up at midnight to answer “mumma if sharks don’t have bones how do they have skeletons?”
– Will you donate your organs when you die?
– No, I will not do anything when I die. I will be dead.
It’s as hard to defend Liverpool as it is for Liverpool to defend.
The inventor of perforated paper has died.
RIP
bought some granny panties— turns out they’re not even made of little old ladies
“If you prick us, do we not bleed? If you tickle us, do we not laugh? If you-“
*interrupting* haha, he said prick
Attachment isn’t when 2 ppl chat night and day. When someone emails u and adds an image or data file with it,
THAT FILE IS CALLED ATTACHMENT
Coworker: “How’d you get that cut above your eye?”
Me: *Remembering dropping my phone on my face* “STOP ASKING ME ABOUT FIGHT CLUB!”
Him: you’re not wearing pants?
Her: my pants don’t fit, OK?
Him: your pajama pants don’t fit?
Her: MY PAJAMA PANTS DON’T FIT, OK?!
her: psssssssst
me: ?
her: psssssssssssssssssssssst
me: ???
her: psssssssssssssssssssssssssssstGOD DAMN IT, MY BLOW UP DOLL HAS A PUNCTURE
Risking my life for fun.
every single person who owns two cats has one beautiful idiot and one terrifying demon plotting a coup
Genie: you have 17 wishes
Me: isn’t it normally 3??
Genie: yeah but *vaguely gestures to me* lot of issues here.
My 9-year-old drew her dream bedroom for an assignment at school. I asked her to show me so I could see if there were any simple upgrades I could do. She had my attention at the skydiving zone but lost me at the built-in McDonald’s.
Breakfast: Banana Bread
Lunch: Orange Creamsicle
Dinner: Carrot Cake
Vegetarianism is hard.
If your taco gets arrested what do you need to bring to the jail?
Taco bail.
Fact: an Owl’s head can rotate up to 840°, before it comes off in your hand.
Wife: Can you turn on the crock pot?
Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of crock pot]
Wife: why for everything
Not to brag, but I can play a little guitar. Not a regular-sized one though.
I’m writing a horror story. It’s about a girl who forgets her headphones and her colleagues think it’s ok to talk to her. So much blood.
I hate all this sex on the TV
I keep falling off.
Found my chapstick in my pants pocket before it went through the washer or the dryer in case anyone is looking for a life coach.
[guy about to invent magic 8-ball]
*kicking a ball* i could really use some vague advice
“Having sex for money is bad because it is counterfeiting feelings” wow dude, I have bad news about every other customer service job ever
Ever notice how people who say “Better to ask for forgiveness than permission” never actually ask for forgiveness, either?
Look, all I know is none of this shit was going on when Mtv still played music videos.