[War of 1812]
American: Let’s invade the British North.
Other American: Upper or Lower Canada?
A: idgaf
LATER:
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I gave up my ambition to be a wizard after I accidentally turned a frog into a corporate advertising executive.
Psychic: your mom asked me to take care of some unfinished business for her
Me: [holding back tears] did she have a message for me?
Psychic: *covertly shoving sex toys into a box* not really
Me: why are you on her laptop?
Psychic: *deletes browser history* she’s at peace now
Most people getting out of an Uber: “thanks”
Midwesterner getting out of an Uber: “Good luck with your custody battle! There’s no way the courts won’t be able to see what an amazing mother you are! You stay strong Amber…I love you!”
A lion would probably call a Kenyan runner fast food.
Someone asked me what I was doing this weekend and I panicked at the thought of making plans so I said I was doing my taxes
*sales call
Sales Rep: Trust me sir, I’m giving you the best deal..
Me: Ofcourse I trust you, we’ve been talking since 2 minutes, feels like forever
[flirting]
ME: Do you come here often?
HER: Sir, I’m the librarian.
ME: Uh huh.
HER: And this is a library.
ME: Oh, gotcha.
HER: Okay then.
ME: *whispers* Soooo, do you come here often?
Spokane Press, Washington, July 16, 1907
same bro
[getting brutally stabbed] hey wait, you have an eyelash *gently removes it* make a wish
Me: can I buy you a drink?
Girl: no
Me: *looking at bank account* you’re right
Loan me a couple bucks?
“Sure”
*throws 2 huge deer carcasses on counter*
Dude where did u get those?
“…”
Can I even pay with these?
Being unable to recreate this high is why we all have depression.
I like long walks along the beach until the drugs wear off & I realize I’m actually crawling through the sand at the local construction site
It do be feeling this way.
I would have suggested they just use a regular volleyball, but I guess the Olympics are special.
Fall is here! I can finally start burning my pumpkin cinnamon cupcake cranberry apple pie walk in the snow vanilla snickerdoodle flannel scented candle without feeling like a psychopath
RIGHT?
When Adam and Eve ate the apple I remember thinking, “Well, that’s a sin, but at least it’s original.”
I’m my own worst enemy which is frustrating because I’d always hoped my worst enemy would have an eye patch.
[In Bar]
Friend: Your fly is down
Me: I know, he’s going through a messy divorce
*glances to fly passed out among empty beer bottles*
Kill me once. I’m dead.
Kill me twice. I’m a dead ghost.
My kid is not a good sleeper so I’ll fight pretty much anyone about pretty much anything.
Never eat anything Mario cooks for you. Dude runs around in sewer pipes all day and never washes his hands
I want my house to be tidy enough so that if someone drops by unexpectedly it doesn’t look like we’re six days into battling a poltergeist.
The final dance in Dirty Dancing, but they’re dancing to The Muppet Show theme tune.
Eye Exam Lamaze Class
Emergency
🤝
Dilated Pupils
Kids too energetic? Make them go on a walk with you and they’ll suddenly be unable to move any part of their body.
I think the worst part about the collapse of civilization will be all those people with no way to remove their braces.
Two guys named Noodles and Pancakes are fighting right now.
I will never quit you, Twitter.
GF: just FYI, my dad teaches at the Naval Academy
[meeting her parents]
ME: [lifting up shirt] does my belly button look weird to you?