My wife yelled, “This is the LAST TIME I’m going to tell you to take out the trash”, and I thought, thank goodness THAT is finally over.
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“White Purr!” – Ku Klux Kat
I wonder if Captain America ever borrows money from Captain China.
🎵 that’s me in the corner
that’s me drinkin’ hot sprite
trying to catch a pigeon
I always end up at the store behind people who’ve never been to a store.
The Reacher guy looks like an 11 year old boy after getting 3 wishes from a genie
In hell, you wait for a ‘verify your email address’ email that never arrives.
Keeping this house spotless is tough, but trying to look busy for the three hours that the maid is here isn’t exactly a walk in the park either.
What kind of cheese do you pair with a rare bottle of ‘08 Lysol?
Her: I really like old fashioned men.
Me (trying to impress): I have polio.
#Caturday
Sorry for letting bad things happen to good people all these years.
December birthdays be like…
Iceland has a web page for the upcoming presidential election. You can go in and enter your name in support of a candidate. In an attempt to do so, apparently 11 people accidentally registered as candidates and are now running for president. Looking forward to the TV debates.
why are you as a non alcoholic cocktail priced in the double digits
Me: the doctor says my cholesterol is high
Wife: how high
My cholesterol: Dave’s not here man
These teams are playing like they know whoever wins goes to the White House
People in glass houses can throw whatever they want. They live in a glass house, I’m not expecting them to be practical
I used to be a person who couldn’t easily fall asleep, then I got divorced and now I sleep like a baby. Probably unrelated.
Awkward=when autocorrect changes ‘sooner’ to ‘sober’ so email to 8 yr. old’s teacher reads “I apologize for not getting back to you sober”
“Lord, can I have a pony?” Sure. Just as soon as I get a prayer from a pony asking for a little girl with no clue how to take care of it.
“Want me to help you with that tux?”
“No”
“Ok, suit yourself”
Whenever I tweet about my 3yo being challenging there’s ALWAYS someone who is like “my 3yo was not challenging at all, they were sweet and smart and perfect and it’s because I took them outside.” And I’m always like ohhhh sorry I keep mine in a box in the basement, can’t relate
ladies say I’m a hamster in the sheets because I squeal when I’m uncomfortable and I leave small pellets in the bed
[walking slowly down the basement staircase with a flashlight to investigate a scary noise] h-hello???
giant rat demon (suddenly appears with loose sweatpants on): dude you have to knock first
me: ah sorry martin
medium rat demon: come back to bed baby
I’m starting to think that this $49.95 “Landmarks of Europe Tour” might be bullshit.
Welcome to your forties. People think you’re a great listener but really you just mastered sleeping with your eyes open.
I never feel greater anxiety than the anxiety I feel when I watch people leaving a Marvel movie during the credits.
Double negatives are never not confusing.
everyone defending oatmeal is like, “oh once i add 17 things to it, it tastes so good!”
Sorry I’m late, I was combing granola bar out of my daughter’s hair for 25 minutes