Dear Mom and Dad: Camp is awful and I want to go home. They haven’t let us go swimming even once, and I hate the orange jumpsuits they make us wear. Also, the counselors are mean and my cabin mate says he’s going to shank me. Making license plates is fun, though. Love, John.
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There was a time, a new hip joint meant someplace I would go to on weekends.
If you add a touch of olive oil to your pan of kale, it will help slide it into the garbage.
You’d think being an introvert is less dangerous, but I just ran across 3 lanes of traffic to avoid interacting with a crossing guard.
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Me, on phone: I’m too scared of sharks to go to the beach
Friend: But sharks kill less people per year than- *thud*
Me: … Than what?
Friend:
Me: Hello?
Voice on other end: Moo.
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Me: *not looking up from phone* huh?
Alien: I SAID..
Me: *still not looking up* yeah I said I’ll do it
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Whoever is responsible for “tear here” that doesn’t work, I will find you.
ANNOYING SHIT THAT’S HAPPENING:
Fourth grader’s constant use of the phrase, “I know from experience…”.
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And so, I am never going to work again.
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Witch Son: ok broomer
me: *leaving the bathroom* trust me you do not want to go in there
friend: that bad huh
me: you have no idea
[earlier in the bathroom]
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me: please *ow* stop *ow* throwing *ow* pennies *ow* at *ow* me
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My worst quality: telling it like it is.
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lol this idiot thinks im a tree
how much for the angry fruit?
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Me: “Why does it say ‘Do Not Resuscitate’ on it?”
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