REPORTER: How do you feel after serving 6 months under house arrest?
ME: I did not realize that had started.
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The transplant surgeon was almost at the hospital when he realized that home was where the heart was.
WOMAN: [disgusted] some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [gently placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you
When I want something a little healthier than an ice cream sandwich, I usually go for an ice cream salad.
When the moon hits your eye like 3.14 Pi
That’s the ratio of its circumference to its diameter
“Try it, it’s so good!”
“Come on, man. Just a taste.”
“I’m having some. Mmmm.”
“Trust me.”Feeding my 2yo makes me feel like a drug dealer.
My son got very excited about all the toys he found when I cleaned behind the couch, I should have waited till Christmas morning to do that
Survivor 1: “Help! I can’t swim! I’m drowning!” Survivor 2: “I have a buoy, friend.”
*slips seductively out of shorts*
You know what that means…
*sleeps soundly for 7 hours*
*drools a little*
[pulls into taco bell drive thru]
Hi, I’d like enough tacos to forget 2016
I dug a small hole in the Earth.
I did a handstand.
Im wearing the Earth as a hat.
As a teen: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.
As a dad: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.
like idgaf i’ll tell you goodnight at 3pm if you piss me off.
Me: I’ll just put off this update that forces my phone to restart.
Me, driving and using Google maps: Oh no.
Practice self-care like a mummy, wrap your body tightly with a blanket & put an ancient curse onto anyone who disturbs you.
Hey man be careful taking a nap. One of my buddies had a dream where he was getting chased around
Him: I’m attracted to bad girls
Me: *changes lanes without signaling*
Rey: I want to be your Jedi student.
Me: Did you hear what happened to all my other Jedi students?
Rey: No.
Me: Good. Let’s get started.
4-year-old: Can you hold my rubber ducky?
Me: *takes the ducky* Why?
4: I dropped it in the toilet.
My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business
A 32-year-old man was arrested in England after allegedly stealing a semi-truck that contained 200,000 Cadbury Creme Eggs, police said.
“The name is Bond, Ja-”
– “Savings Bond?”
“No”
– “Chemical Bond?”
“NO!”
– “Autobahn?”
“You know you’re totally ruining this for me”
If yahoo! hasn’t given up then why should I??
OFFICER DOWN I REPEAT WE HAVE AN OFFICER DOWN. I’m fine just down for whatever. Dancing or something fun.
A moth is just a butterfly with glasses and its hair up.
I’ll huff and I’ll puff and I’ll get light headed then have to lay down.
Turducken? My food rules are few, but I’d put “don’t eat a food with ‘turd’ in its name” in my top 5.
I need a few hundred steps to meet my daily goal. I only hope my wine doesn’t spill.
There’s nothing my kid can’t do. Except anything I tell him.