i am against victim blaming except for when someone loses their sunglasses in the ocean
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A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking…
My husband put on a ratty old t shirt and asked me how it looked and I had to break it to him that it’d look better in the trash which apparently is marriage code for “it’s probably good for another five years at least.”
Teaching 3 pigeons how to mosh
If anyone asks why I’m not in a relationship I’m going to tell them it’s due to supply chain shortages.
FORREST GUMP: hey bubba would you please tell me the name of the woods where robin hood hid out with his merry men?
BUBBA: sherwood forest
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:FORREST GUMP: hey bubba would you please tell me the n
when you’re a parent you can expect to find a banana anywhere. ANYWHERE.
If someone offered to give me a million dollars to name the two teams playing sportsball today, I’d make exactly no dollars.
Just once I want to wake up to something exciting.
*Wakes up next to spider crawling on pillow.
[2 cavemen]
Look what me discover! This game changer!
*grabs it* “This hot! Burn fingers. What you call it?”
*takes back mixtape* FIRE!
[commercial for toilets]
°a man is walking around his house picking up turds°
There’s got to be a better way
One of my boys just hit me with a “who’s all there” text so now I’m in the club taking attendance like an overwhelmed substitute teacher
I had a dream about you. You were stupid there, too.
Sorry, I didn’t mean to lol your poetry
Wow, you’ve got a lot of hickeys Kris.
Me: Busy weekend *winks
*remembers wrestling that octopus at the aquarium for giving me side eye.
My sex life is like Coca-Cola; first it was normal, then light and now zero.
ok what if you’re in the school pickup line and you see a woman eating from a charcuterie board in her car, would you judge me?
i mean her would you judge her
You must first feel comfortable in someone else’s skin before you can feel comfortable in your own.
–Psycho Therapy
Some song titles sound better when you replace “girl” with “squirrel.”
Case in point: “Jessie’s Squirrel.”
If smartphones existed in the 80’s, most of us would have a parole officer.
So many accidents occur in the home. I once turned a dimmer switch too fast and got beamed into another dimension
Parenting is great if you want to relive every moment from your childhood when your parents got mad at you – from your parents’ perspective.
If you bring back your paper bags at Whole Foods, they’ll give a refund of 5 cents. After a year you’ll have enough money to buy an orange.
I can hear fireworks so I have to go leave a nose print on every window of my house to try to find them
ME: I love you
HER:
ME: I said I love you
HER: sir, I can’t give you extra curly fries…please just pay for your order
My wife: I just gave myself a pedicure in record time!
Me: Impressive feet!
*Hums Every Breath You Take in grocery line
*Gets arrested for stalking 3 people
I’m in such a bad mood today, all I have to do is look at someone and they start apologizing.
[road trip]
DAUGHTER: I have to use the bathroom.
ME: *pulls into rest stop*
DAUGHTER: Thanks.
ME: Make sure you’re back in 5 minutes.
DAUGHTER: I will.
ME: We accidentally left your brother behind once.
DAUGHTER: I don’t have a brother.
ME: Exactly.
The fact that my predictive text suggests a potato after I type morning instead of a heart is really all you need to know about me
Haters gonna hate…
Masters gonna bate.