Being married means never having to say you’re angry. You can clearly articulate it just by the way you breathe.
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Our parenting style can best be described as:
Bad cop,
Bozo cop
“Nailed it.”
-inventor of crucifixion
Women have to be pissed knowing female kangaroos have an ingrown, biological fanny pack when they can’t even get pockets in their pants.
January has been Januweary
Another wedding, another chance to show the family I still have a drinking problem.
[at bank]
Samuel L Jackson turning in swear jar: I need a bank check to buy Rhode Island
Mark Wahlberg’s mom: Marky Mark! It’s time for a snacky snacky before you take a nappy nap.
Mark Wahlberg: Jesus, mom. I’m 44. What snack?
whenever someone i know introduces me to someone else i say, “oh, this is the one u were talking about” &watch the awkward stares!
I refuse to eat at restaurants that say kids are only free one day of the week. Imprisoning children is wrong.
When you decorate your whole house for Christmas, what you’re really saying is “I’m not going to dust for at least a month.”
Me: I’m sorry; I don’t remember your name. I know it starts with an S though…. Sledgehammer, Salamander, Slappy…
Him: Steve…my name is Steve.
Me: Yeah, no, I would’ve never gotten that.
ME: *hands my boss my first crime scene photos*
BOSS: *hands them back* do them again without the Snapchat filters
maybe my dad is at the other end of this cvs receipt
So this guy tells me he likes the way my name is spelled..
Me~
Thanks I gotta say
I had absolutely nothing to do with it.. LoL
[hand sensing faucet factory]
Worker: sir, we are ready to load the hand recognition software
Boss: ok great but *shows picture of me* make sure it doesn’t work for this guy
According to this box of cereal I am a family of 13 eating breakfast
“If people work from home, how will I socialize?” You will have to go into the forest, bribe an old witch & have her summon new friends for you like the rest of us have to
You can’t hurt me. You’re not my mouth full of ice water after chewing mint gum
That awkward moment you tell someone they need to take their Halloween profile picture down and they never put one up.
Rock bottom implies the existence of paper bottom and scissors bottom.
My career as a karate instructor was tragically curtailed when parents found out I was wholly unqualified & just enjoyed kicking children.
you mean to tell me Cameron Diaz dated The Mask AND Shrek? mmmk someone’s got a type
I had big plans to sleep in until 7, but my bladder canceled.
Me: I don’t want to leave anything to chance
Chance: why do you hate me dad
WIFE: (watching news) Someone broke into the Smithsonian Museum last night.
ME: (wearing an original pair of ruby slippers) That’s weird.
If your kid’s shitty kindergarten drawing is hanging on your fridge, you are an enabler of mediocrity.
coworker: you’re 37? you look younger
me: i let a demon possess me in exchange for external youth
coworker: ha ha *leaves*
demon inside me: you gotta stop saying that someone’s gonna believe you
me: meh. i’m going to the break room for a donut
demon: ooo get a maple bar
Therapist: what’s your support system like?
Me: about $150 an oz
i have to be eating a burrito for the facial recognition to work
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