Ancient Greek mathematician Archimedes is known as the Father of Math, or as I like to call him, Math Daddy.
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Just went through a month of transactions on my bank account because someone has been spending my money… and lo and behold – it was me
The cat puked all over the bath mat so I just tossed it into the trash can. Then I put the bath mat in the washer.
Chamomile tea makes chamomile pee.
Watching as gravity slowly unfriends you.
I guess my least favorite author is probably Hitler
i hate “oomf” because i do not read it as “one of my followers” i read it as mario taking damage in mario 64
99 out of 100 Planet F1tness employees don’t give a fuck. You could smoke a brisket in the locker room, they’re just gonna ride out their shift. That one percent tho…
Reason number 25827644 to pat your toddler down before putting in the car.
i do this stupid thing where i water my garden on the day it rains, but in my defense, the rain reminds me that they need to be watered
guy at bar: if u have a problem say it to my face
me: [leaning close] my boss called me lazy
If I became a witch, the first spell I would cast is to make crickets sound like a purring cat. After that, I’d focus on evil. But the cricket-cat thing first.
I like to stop drinking somewhere between “watch this” and “ohhhhhh shit”.
“Where’s my money?” – a loan shark
“Where are my friends? – alone shark
I’m not above army crawling down an aisle at the grocery store to avoid small talk with an acquaintance.
Boss: Why do you look so sad?
Me: I actually paid a college hundreds of thousands of dollars so I could do this
him: it’s nice that you wear your heart on your sleeve
me: that’s ketchup
*taking training wheels off my old bike*
Mom: You’re not ready for this.
Me: I’m 37, Mom. I’ve got this.
*starts pedaling; hits a tree*
Me: if you strike me down, I shall become more powerful than you can possibly imagine
7-11 Clerk: look man, we’re out of hotdogs, idk what to tell you
Did a little self diagnosing over on Web MD and it turns out I’ve been dead since 2006
[both me and the child chasing me with a knife slow to a walk as we go by the pool]
There needs to be some universal way to say “it smelled like that when I went in there” when exiting a bathroom. I’m tired of paying for other people’s crimes.
My bladder thinks it knows where I live, but in truth it assumes my toilet is in the street about 100m from the front door.
My wife and I come from very different backgrounds. Her family is French and Irish, and mine is suffocating and unstable.
Imagine any 5 white people walking up to you being like “we’re imagine dragons” . You have no choice but to believe them.
Why stop at biting during sex?
Bite people all the time.
Failure isn’t an option? Just watch me.
If your BF wears a gold necklace outside of his tshirt both of you will be asked to get out of your car by the police at gunpoint some day
Friends don’t let friends buy cinnamon scented decorative brooms.
*Brings axe to slumber party*
“Oops. I thought you said ‘lumber party'”
*Knew the whole time*
*Waits until they’re asleep*
*Chops down tree*