Why is lumberjack the only job with some random guy’s name attached? Why aren’t plumbers called, like, toiletdougs? Or crapperjoels?
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Bathroom stall doors should have peepholes so you don’t have to awkwardly knock if someone is in there
Ha – mildly amusing
Haha – funny
Hahaha – sarcastic laugh
Hahahaha – stayin’ alive
*spider-man pacing the ceiling while Mary Jane is in the bathroom taking a pregnancy test*
*hands cashier chihuahua*
“One waffle cone, please.”
I’m consistently puzzled by how “you ain’t shit” is an insult while “you’re the shit” is a compliment
Me: If I ever decide to commit a murder I am going to make a doll out of my hair to put in the victim’s house.
Friend: why?
Me: That way they look crazy and there is a reason my hair is at the crime scene.
Friend: (backing away slowly) sounds well thought out.
[VIDEO] John Oliver Agrees With You For 22 Minutes
Bartender: what’ll it be?
Me: *pouring water on dino egg* we don’t know yet
Unfortunately, Yoda’s proposal came across as more of a statement, possibly even a threat. And so, he lived out his life alone, forever pining for “which got away, the one.”
The main reason I don’t want to monetise my Twitter in any way isn’t so much on principle but more out of the shame I would feel if I had to disclose “low quality anonymous shitposting” to the Tax Office all for $4.50 in annual profits
Me: I’ve never played football but I have been clotheslined by a telephone cord.
My kids: What’s a telephone cord?
To the girl who said I should get off twitter and pay attention to my children, I want you to know I’m ignoring my husband, too.
The spider that keeps building a web across my bedroom door.
My 8yo (a qualitative soul): How cool is THAT!!
Me (a quantitative soul): *reaches for thermometer*
My son asked me
“Where does poo come from?”
I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest explanation.
He looked a little perplexed, and stared at me in stunned silence for a few seconds and asked, “And Tigger?”
Did it hurt when YOU fell from heaven?
If so, contact the law offices of Leon Molowitz, and get the monetary compensation you deserve!
Her : You hang up first.
Me : *click*
Some people don’t like awkward silences but I do because that’s when I think about Thundercats.
[restaurant]
waiter: how would you like your steak
me: i don’t know, medium?
medium: *gazes into crystal ball* you will like it a lot
[looking in the mirror and thinking about how I’m created in God’s image] wow God needs to go on a diet.
[1st person to try jogging]
Peasant: what chasest thou, m’lady?
Jogger: Nothing. I doth run for mine own pleasure.
Peasant: *suddenly holding a torch and pitch fork* WITCH!!!
I saw a guy walking 4 dogs this morning and thought, Wow!.. That guy must be really blind.
30 is the new 20 until you hang out with 20 yr olds.
him : can you name the shapes?
me : sure. Sue the square, Trevor the triangle, Richard the rhombus, Harry the-
him : no I didn’t mea-
me : …Harry the hexagon
him: will you just st-
me : Dave the dodecahedron
Hell hath no fury like a toddler getting his nose wiped
All of you number neighbor people are going to get yourselves killed. Stop talking to strangers that could potentially live near you. You’re going to get murdered or make a friend. Both are terrible.
2001 A Space Odyssey 2
The spaceship returns
HAL is just as uncooperative as ever.
He never works.
He becomes the basis for Windows 10.
anyone else like Italian cereal
Everybody knows Tuesdays are the second marriage of the week. Optimistic. Hopeful. Definitely not like Monday, that so-and-so.
HUSBAND: Why are you late?
ME: I was at church.
HUSBAND: I find that hard to believe. Did they have a breakfast buffet or something?