[someone kicks a dumpster out of anger]
ME (from inside): Who is it?
You Might Also Like
Me: The 10yo asked for a sip of my beer!
Wife: I hope you told him why he can’t have any
Me: Yes! Because it’s mine
Wife: Because of the alc
Me: Because of the alcohol
A friend of mine is allergic to both peanut butter and bees, which he discovered when he bit into the worst sandwich ever.
just saw hunger games and woah, when did all that stuff happen? so messed up dude
ME: [grinding pepper onto my food]
IRON MAN: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE
Lmaooo she has seen it all😭😭😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
[whispering to date while watching Chappie when Chappie first appears on the screen] That’s Chappie
My husband refused to go to Target with me, so I took the tv remote with me instead.
me: what makes you angry
pirate: when someone steals my p
Sorry I was late, couldn’t stop spelling banana.
I forgot the word for confessional booth so I said catholic shame box
My uncle used to bet me a root beer that I couldn’t sit quietly in the car in the casino parking lot. I ALWAYS won lmao
him: it’s what’s inside that counts
me: are you going to keep going on about the abacus I swallowed?
*Buys 15 feet of bubble wrap*
Cashier: “Are you moving?”
Me: “No, why?”
Me: Good night Moon
Moon:
Me, climbing out of lunar module two weeks later: Did you get my text?!
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
I never eat breakfast at home, but when on vacation I go out for breakfast every day and am like “YES I’D LIKE THE STARVING LUMBERJACK GUTBUSTER PLATTER AND A SIDE PILE OF BACON.”
I have a problem with gingerbread people living in houses made of their flesh, but I promised not to bring it up and ruin Christmas again this year.
Oh your boyfriend proposed? Well I just realized my new dress has pockets, so I think it’s obvious who’s having a better day.
Your honor I didn’t teach myself the ukulele for fun I did it to defend myself in court today through song
Be back in a few days. Gotta shave my legs for spring. But, before I go, what’s the best way to sharpen hedge trimmers?
Buy followers?
No thanks. I’m married so I spend enough money on people I don’t talk to
I’m the type of guy you could spend the rest of your life with, if you never take your meds again.
if u told me 20yrs ago that we’d have a black prez w/ the middle name Hussein, I’d have kept playing w/ my ninja turtles cuz I was 9 in 1993
Heard someone say their charcuterie house looks too good to eat and I don’t think they know how cheese works.
Ten out of ten pigs prefer turkey bacon over regular bacon.
Me, an intellectual: A spam and banana sandwich would be called a spamananawich.
The dentist asked me what music I wanted to listen to during my root canal so I said “More Than A Filling.”
marriage tip: if your wife says she gained weight on vacation and you find out you lost weight – no you did not. in fact, you gained more than her plus you now have diabetes and need an oxygen tank. got it? ok good talk.
*puts eight small cups of urine on the nurse’s station*
Nurse: We only need one.
*puts seven small cups of urine in my purse*