Turns out men don’t like being asked when their due date is either
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“Can I get a do-over?” – Me, playing golf, tennis (or pretty much any sport), taking a test, having sex, making a speech, living my life….
the tiny monsters are on their way. and my job. is to hold this bucket of snacks for them. i was told they can only take one. but that’s not my rule to enforce
[in bed]
Husband: *gentle nudge* Hey…
Me: *removes ear plugs*
*removes sleeping mask*
*removes snoring strip*
*removes mouth guard*
Hey…
Husband: *sleeping*
KID 911: wats ur emergency
SON: cant find my shoes
KID 911: have you looked literally nowhere?
SON: yes!
KID 911: then it is lost forever
[raises hand] is it ok to drink the bath water if you’ve only been in it for a few minutes
[my health teacher opens the drawer he hides his scotch in]
*pterodactyl wakes his wife up pissing at 3am*
WIFE: I thought your pee was supposed to be silent!!!
“OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD!Damn these thin walls. Don’t know if my neighbors are having sex, praying or having a coronary.
obliviously driving m y car through chernobyl , absorbing lethal anmounts of radiation while looking for cute girls
[Weights bench at the gym]
ME: …327…328…329…
PERSONAL TRAINER: Can you please stop counting ceiling tiles and do some exercise
I saw an image of the Virgin Mary on a pumpkin!
It squashed all of my doubts…
And, reinforced my faith in Gourd.
[parent/teacher meeting]
“you must’ve read to him as a baby”
*leans forward in little desk* lady, I didn’t even know him when I was a baby
ANDY: I clarified your butter.
ME: Ghee! Thanks!
If painting yourself into a corner was considered art, I’d be Michelangelo
Maybe a ninja is fighting a chameleon right in front of you.
Ever think of that??
People said I was wasting my time playing Tetris, but here I am, loading the dishwasher like a beast.
2008- This Master’s degree is going to change my life!
2019- I’ve got the worst pajamas in this dollar store.
When l feel sick in public, l get closer to the people who annoy me. If I have to vomit, I want to make it count.
Sponch
I’m only listening outside the bathroom door to make sure you’re not touching the decorative hand towels.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but throwing a haunted doll in the trash won’t stop it from coming back
In 2009, Stephen Hawking hosted an open party for everyone, but only publicized it after it was over; so only time-travelers would know to attend.
As he expected, no one came.
Me: I made the best decision at that time with the information available
Narrator: he plugged his ears and said “la la la la” at the time
First day of my levitation course today, and I went straight to the top of the class.
I took Social Studies for so many years, but I still don’t know how to socialize
Never feel more attractive than when my picture of cornbread gets almost as many likes as my selfie. “She’s ok, but she’s no cornbread.”
I’ve concluded English is my phone’s second language. It’s the only explanation for all the bizarre autocorrects and typos that plague me.
Give me your crispy noodles and no one gets hurt.
Before you get involved with another person, ask yourself: Is this someone I can see myself cropping out of pictures later?
Not today. 😅