A field full of rams , really sounds like a ewe problem
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Me, performing surgery:[stops midway and sticks both of my hands out to see which one is L-shaped for “left” ]
90’s style insults need to come back.
Been itching to tell someone they need to go to the clue store to get one.
Confuse future archaeologists by burying human bones as if they’re riding dinosaur skeletons into battle.
Unless you refer to it as either a shindig or a hootenanny, I will not be attending your party.
half of all the problems in life can be solved by duct tape. For the rest, you’re gonna have to reboot that computer
my advice to anyone at an unpaid internship — steal from them. big stuff too. take the copier. roll it right onto the elevator.
[At job interview]
Manager: So, do you have any questions about the job?
Me: Yeah, can I have it?
As I waved my gun in their faces, I thought to myself “What kinda weird bank has children, clowns, presents, & balloons all over the place?”
You don’t really appreciate a Chinese Spy Balloon until it’s gone.
bank robber: fine one question
me: who would you say is your favorite hostage
If taking off your pants doesn’t solve your problems, get different problems.
My daughter told me she wants to be a secret agent. Based on that alone, I don’t think she’d be a good secret agent.
Had I known you were coming I would have baked a cake. Instead you get to watch me decapitate an iguana. You should call ahead.
[me sneaking to the bathroom at night to check twitter]
Wife: what are you doing?
Me [looking around for excuse] just…changing my tampon
Teens be like, “I wanted to do that until you asked me to”.
My inside joke with my boyfriend is that every time he thinks a tweet is about him, I’m like, “it’s not about you, it’s about my other boyfriend!!!” And my inside joke with my other boyfriend is exactly the same
Me: You sprained your ankle, let’s bandage it up and ice it.
Husband:
*3 hours, one x-ray and $156 later*
Doctor: You sprained your ankle, let’s bandage it up and ice it.
ME: I think I have coronavirus, every morning I wake up aching and sick. It usually goes away by the afternoon, but the next day same thing.
FRIEND: It’s a hangover. You’re drinking 2 bottles of wine a night in quarantine.
ME: My God… wine causes the coronavirus!
I had a rough childhood. I saw things that no one should ever have to see. For example, The Phantom Menace.
THERAPIST: you’re always trying to make other people happy. You should focus on doing that for yourself too.
ME:
THERAPIST: ok?
Me: would that make you happy?
Neighbor: Omg, is that a hickey?
Me, flashing back to burning my neck with a curling iron: Yup, I still got it.
Face down, ass up, that’s the way I like to… get the stupid cat toys out from underneath all of my furniture.
[puts dog in car]
Me to wife: just gonna take her to the vet
Wife: why u whispering
[car screeches away]
Me with wife in headlock: thats why
Of all my mistakes, you were the mistakiest
Even after seeing all of the Jurassic Park movies I still feel like a dinosaur theme park sounds like a really good idea
We need a kids TV show about a kid who can sit quietly in a shopping cart for 25 minutes.
Is one of the steps in the P90X workout to tell everyone on Facebook that you’re doing it?
Wife: what’s wrong?
Me *halfway through eating a horse* I’m not as hungry as I thought
date: this is so romantic
me: just the two of us
date: and the stars
me: and the moon
the moon: *winks at my date*
me: *narrowing eyes* son of a-